So on Friday when I did that Reiki session and connected to him, albeit in my head......and went through the forgiveness imagery......what I realized was this.....the reason it made me so emotional is that it brought up the pain that still resides inside of me for all that has happened.....pain I work every single day to release and move through but will take some more time indeed.....but more than just that.......it forced me to remember his humanity and how I once felt about him.....and it made me realize that I had shut that humanity down......and perhaps that was a mistake.......due to the ways I was treated for months after he left I slowly began to disregard him, find him irrelevant, and stop trying to act as if we were connected in any real way......his status in my life became a stranger......he still feels very much like one most of the time.....and while much of what he has done has earned that spot with me......I am not sure taking away his humanity in my mind, was the best way......it was not a conscious choice.......perhaps a protective mechanism.........one to keep me safe......one to allow me to drop my expectations of him anymore.....to not be hurt by his actions anymore......so he became this entity in my life over these months.....after the shift I made......and it made me forget......forget how I felt about him......forget that some unresolved pain and hurt resided in that space.......made me think it was gone maybe to some degree.......because my feelings have changed so drastically for him.......so it made me check myself......and realize that to really move forward I need to hold his humanity and mine in the same space, and rise above what has happened, and what he has done to shut me off ,and it is in that soft space where more healing will occur......now let me say that while I realize my mistake I am not too hard on myself........I needed to do that with him so I could find peace and stop the bleed......to take away his power to hurt me......by just placing him in a spot that just doesn't matter all that much anymore.....and I don't apologize for that........it was self preservation at its finest.......BUT......if I want to truly and fully heal on the other side of this.....I need to keep his humanity present and who he once was to me and integrate those things fully......like I did Friday night......and when I told my therapist about it, he felt what I did was brave......to allow those feelings to come and stand in them.....and let them wash over me......and maybe....I guess.....I did not really feel it was a choice, I just allowed what came up for me to come, and ride the wave wherever it took me.....and felt lighter on the other side.......so I am working now on integrating his humanness back in some so I can work on forgiveness.......I will never give him the power in this life to hurt me again.....never......and I know what parts of us need to remain unconnected for that to be true.....and what he says and does doesn't hold much weight with me beyond our kids.....and the relationship we have all forged......it is harmonious and relatively easy at the moment.....and I enjoy that.....and want to keep it so.......but he won't have certain rights in my life moving forward......but I do need to work on restoring some things back to him so that I can move forward......and I will find a way to achieve that balance......a way to find a healthy place to have him remain......I am grateful it was brought to my attention......it needed to step forward and be heard and seen.......so now that I know better, I must do better with that awareness......
jperuso
Comments