Seeing the end of your marriage written out on divorce documents is something I cannot really explain......again the idea of a death comes to mind.......visiting a lawyer and talking about the end of something so precious to you, something you have protected for nearly 20 years......is also a surreal and a profoundly sad experience......when you have no other choice but to move forward and proceed down a road you never would have chosen it is heartbreaking......The papers were served to him and I am continuing my path to complete this portion of our journey with one another......I was given no other alternative due to circumstances I have been dealt.........it was time......however our journey is not over....far from it......our relationship as husband and wife is over, but we will still need to continue some kind of relationship for our kids....a different relationship, a transformation of the current one in every sense......all the stressors that come at the end of marriage, the hard feelings, the trauma, the storm of working out the details, the intense emotion, all of it makes it so difficult to move forward.......nearly impossible to see the light at the end of this initial storm......until we hopefully find our groove in our new life together......thinking of moving forward and having to do all the the negotiating we will need to to end our marriage, makes me feel exhausted, makes me feel like I want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head.....the author from the divorce book that I read described training for these things by training like a warrior, she too began to run and write and that is how it feels.....I am training every single day to make my body and mind as strong as it can be to stay the course and survive what is ahead mind, body, and soul.......Running on the treadmill feels like boot camp.....strengthening not only my body but my mental fortitude, my willingness to push myself outside of my boundaries.....I am not willing to find myself with a broken spirit at the end of all this.....not even close.....as I run, as I blog, as I take care of myself, fill myself up......I very clearly understand that my tank needs to be full or I will never make it........Divorce comes second on the stress scale to losing a spouse or child..............it is a brutal process with surprises around every corner......consuming all of your energy each and every day........and each day an opportunity for another heartbreaking piece of the puzzle to unfold......my marriage is terminally ill and those papers initiated the hospice part of it all.......the true end.......I am hoping it goes quickly without too much of a fight, dies peacefully without dragging on forever and ever......no way to know.....in the meantime I will continue to train my warrior spirit each and every day........to make sure I am strong enough to see it to its end.........
jperuso
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