So I feel as if my marriage has been In the process of breaking for some time now....just didn't fully realize it ......wasn't in a place that I was ready to accept it.......till now........it had sustained deep cracks a couple of years ago....ones that I believed could be glued back together....turns out when your marriage takes a hit like that, or multiple hits like that......there just isn't enough glue that can put it back together......not in a real way anyway, not in a way that can enable it to travel the long haul.......to withstand the test of time........and now I see it clearly, lying on the floor, shattered in a million pieces.......tiny shards of glass......scattered all around....never to return to its original form....never to be whole again......AND NOW I SEE CLEARLY that it had to exquisitely and fully shatter for me to be standing right here......right in this BLESSED spot in the universe, the spot that I am supposed to BE IN......I am normally a "fixer" of all broken things, people, situations, all of it....a "problem solver" to my core......no CAN'T just why it CAN BE done...... and I know if I had thought it could be repaired in any way, if there had been the slightest chance I could have gotten on my knees, scooped up those pieces and glued them I may have tried......for my kids, for my sense of family, for all of us.....the fact that he broke it so fully, so completely, that level of brokenness has FREED me from my inclination to do just that! PUTS MY SOUL AT EASE.......Makes me calm deep in my soul with the notion that some things stay broken.....no fixing, no ability to mend it......no possibility of finding which pieces belong back together....forever shattered...... and as each day goes by I am more and more certain that this way is EXACTLY the way it NEEDED to BE.....I am getting comfortable in the brokenness of our marriage....carrying the parts in my heart that can never be broken and allowing what is broken forever to remain broken.......leaving those pieces in all of their ugly glory.........and the horrors and deception that lies within....just all of it......leaving me the ability to find the exquisiteness of it all.....the exquisite beauty of my using my "fixer" skills to put ME back together....and leave the marriage alone....let it rest in peace..... and in that fixing of ME the treasures I have found, the beauty that has touched my heart and soul is more exquisite than any other thing I have ever attempted to fix....or put back together.....worth all the grit, all the tears, all the effort, all the strength.....all of the embracing of what is and the letting go of what was......and not looking back....just moving forward to create my masterpiece from MY broken pieces....not somebody else's anymore......never again........just mine......and it feels truly exquisite.....
jperuso
Comments