As much as I don't recognize him he doesn't recognize me either.......I am sure of it...........the few times we have seen each other I see him sort of marveling at me......looking at me and realizing he doesn't know me anymore...........looking and sort of taking it all in.......not sure what to make of the Jenn I am these days.....and the thing is he knows part of her.....the part that returned to me since he has been gone.....the woman he fell for all those years ago......a part of her is back and I see him seeing her, remembering her.......and in her is that old freer Jenn, lighter Jenn.....funnier Jenn, and the new wiser and stronger Jenn that has come to walk alongside her.......a new Jenn that is a little harder and guarded.....sad part is, knowing him as I do I know there is a good chance he would be crazy about the Jenn of today, think she was amazing, think she was the one, but he would not be able to love her the way she needs to be loved, and I know he would not summon her to come forward often enough, stifle her again........not encourage her growth and progress.........make her disappear behind the shadows of insecurity and doubt.......I like me better without him around.....that is the simple yet painful truth.......I am happier, lighter, freer and much more peaceful now...........I didn't always feel that way......he often brought out the best in me in the beginning, and even after the fallout of his affair the last few years........but........you can't really be your best when you are looking over your shoulder everyday.......having no trust left between you and "your person"....and feeling insecure in your position with your forever guy........so no he did not summon the true Jenn nearly as often as he could have......or should have, if he had tried, or even if he had realized she was gone.......he was so caught up in his own spiral he didn't see mine.......didn't see that I was right there waiting for him to SEE me again.......like really SEE me........waiting for him to REMEMBER me....the me I was to him, to us, to our life.......waiting for him to take the gift of my forgiveness, love, and acceptance and run for the fence.........but the truth is I had trouble finding her too......she was so burdened with carrying all of it on her shoulders, and trying to save the ship......she lost a part of herself......and finding me again has been intoxicating in ways I can almost not describe.......to really feel me inside me.........not burdened with crosses that were never mine to carry in this life......to own my space in me and in the world is just such a gift........I so wish he would have brought this girl out.......and just loved her fiercely, the way she loved him..........we could have had so much fun.......and lived out our days, but he just couldn't........somewhere in him he believed that the grass was greener somewhere else.......not sure how green the grass is for him now that he is living in the reality of it all......out of the shadows and under the spotlight......but what I do know is he doesn't know this woman, and she is not for him to know, not ever ever again.....not like that............this woman is made for more and is loving the shade of green her grass is.......and perfectly content in that fact.........and that is all that matters now.........
jperuso
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