We made a deal.........As a parent to a special needs kiddo you feel like you need "your person," the other person that "gets" your kid, understands their medical complications, nuances, all of it.....that knows your kid as well as you do........that knows that your child may live with you forever.....truly forever......that is a big one.......so many decisions to be made, so much to figure out, so much of so much......that is one of the heartaches that has come to find me in this.....I am running solo now to care for our complicated and magical boy......figuring out all the things.......figuring them all out on my own.....the weight landing on my shoulders through the day to day.......when he was born all those years ago, we were so united, scooping his tiny being up, protecting him with our whole hearts, our whole beings, our whole of everything..... and in that moment, at least from where I was sitting, I believed that we made a sacred pact, a pact that neither of us would ever do anything to break his heart, to make his road any more complicated than it needed to be, not inflict any unnecessary heartache on our sweet and tender boy, a boy that loves the world with his whole heart and soul........no matter what......From where I am sitting today I am guessing there was no such pact, at least not on his end......or maybe there was and now it is forgotten.....hard to tell anymore what was real and what wasn't.........but I am guessing there was not the same awareness I had, and have always held regarding our boy.......the belief I held that we served as his "ride or die" in all things forever and ever.......that notion itself is shocking, jolts me upright, seems so surreal......divorce rates for folks with special needs kiddos is higher than the average bear......I have always known that....it never scared me, never made me feel we would fall victim to that sad statistic......it was just a piece of info I carried, a piece of info I marveled at, thinking how could somebody do such a thing to their special needs family? Their SPECIAL family? Right? Life in the land of special needs is hard enough, complicated enough......just enough of enough........and to have to navigate divorce as well, add that to the impact on our children, it just seems like an enormous mountain to climb......Gabe's heart is broken, he has expressed as much to me, not his father.......knowing Gabe I know he doesn't want to make him feel bad for causing his broken heart, that thought alone breaks mine more.......I am his safe place, his peace, his haven......and I am strong enough to absorb all of it, to help his heart heal.....to hear the profound things our son with the small IQ ( on paper) says about love and loss........the words so pure, so beautiful, so powerful, they cause you to weep in an instant.......his heart, like mine, like his sister's are not hearts designed for such things....not made for this world of pain we are swimming in......not made for all our heartache and pain........we are lucky our tender hearts have each other......we have banded together in a love nest of sorts......a trio of love, a triangle of peace, a tripod of healing, a pillar of promise.....walking together and I know we will heal and our hearts will find a way......I will always ache for that broken pact, particularly when it comes to our sweet boy.....but now I carry that pact for the remainder of forever.......I have taken over the pact and all of its unspoken responsibility, all of its requirements......just all of it........I know the pact will never break again, the pact is now between Gabe and I.....and I know I am strong enough and solid enough to see it all through......whatever lies ahead.........to preserve our boy's tender heart.....and do it all for the love of my sweet boy.......
jperuso
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