For a long time after he left I would lie awake in my bed.......staring at the ceiling and feeling the invisible cord that connected us floating between my house and his......it felt palpable......and I could not imagine the day where I would not feel that......or the day that I would feel the absence of it.....until now.....I don't feel it anymore.....and haven't for quite sometime........my invisible phone line connection to him in the universe severed.......I don't feel him out there in the day to day.......our soul's connection is broken.....he is most definitely not "my person anymore".....and hasn't been for quite sometime.....when I see him in person there is a strange quality to it at times.....a lack of familiarity......an awareness that we don't match any longer.....and I thought in this moment I would feel sad.......and there is some......but more than sad it makes me feel relief.........because I thought a part of it would remain forever.....a deep part would stay and make me feel the missing of him for the rest of my days.....but I don't...... and now I know what remains is just the love I carry for him, my wanting him to be OK......to enjoy and co parent our kids......maybe be great friends one day.....I really hope so......but as for the rest it is gone.....laid to rest.......at least for me.......and there is a somber quality that that notion embodies that runs through me.....but more than feeling somber and sort of sad about it.....the predominant feeling is just gratitude.......because if that had remained for me it would have made the last months unbearable......and as the cord has started to fade and disappear into the abyss or wherever such things go......the things we can't see but feel.....it has helped me heal......to move forward in a real way......and as I have had to let go of him......not being able to rely on him for anything emotionally or really otherwise through any of this.....it has helped me rely on me.....and realize I AM MY PERSON........and have been here all along really.......and I think that was the point.....to transfer the power he once had in my life......my viewing him as my place to land and be in this world......to myself.....and truth is since the discovery of his affair, nearly three years ago.....there hasn't been much of a soft place to land in him....so I suppose the process began long before I knew....that transfer of power......shifting from him to me......and I am not sure that anything I have done up until this point in my life has been so empowering......SAVING MYSELF........BEING MY OWN HERO.......it is quite something.....and I think because losing my marriage and my family was a great fear of mine, after discovering it was possible.......and then having it happen......facing it......and being better than OK on the other side..... thriving on the other side.....I think it has SET ME FREE .......in a way that only that sort of thing can.......free to not be afraid......to be more fearless and braver in my day to day and in my life......so Nick is not my person anymore......something I never thought I would see in this lifetime......and now I am my person in all the ways that matter the most.......and I plan on honoring that responsibility and showing up for me each day:)
jperuso
Comentarios