Wounds......

We all have wounds.....and the longer I live the more apparent that becomes.....and we are all carrying visible ones, like scars or burns, and ones that reside within.....sometimes near the surface, and sometimes deeper down......and I see it in life, and in the people around me....but also in the students I teach......every day.....trauma finding its way to the surface in ways that make that wound known......and wounds both visible and invisible scab over....and making themselves less of who we are.......but sometimes something rubs up against it and salt gets thrown in it, and something will happen that will make you realize that there it is......and for me a recurrent theme for the last few years is learning even more deeply, that one of the only people I can count on is me.....and for me that is a wound......I have spoken many times about being fiercely independent for a long time.....longer than I can remember.....and having trouble asking for help......and seeking to do it ALL for myself.....and while some of that has been good, growing new parts of me, some of it isn't......and then as of late realizing that when I finally do ask for help, and rely on somebody to have my back and help me, it isn't always what I thought at all....and that theme loops forever in my life....my feeling that I need to work on being more vulnerable and lean in a little, then it being dashed.....carpet pulled so to speak.....so I guess I write this because I was thinking of it yesterday.....how present that theme feels....and how alone I feel mostly in my life......in my day to day, doing the things.....but wondering what it would be like to have somebody really have my back the way I do theirs....like front row in my day to day, right here beside me.......and I say none of this to feel sorry for me, because I truly don't......I have AMAZING children, friends, family, and special people in my life, do not misunderstand......lots of super fine people.......and I am grateful for each and every one of them......but those folks don't journey with me every minute.....not like an anchor.....if you will:) Except my kids, they are my heart indeed..............And I think what is stirring it all up is everything that is happening in the undercurrent of my life.....and with my son.....trying to navigate so much of his stuff....and just juggling life.....and I guess I wonder what that is....that theme that feels like it is mine.....I believe we all have themes in our lives that circle around...kind of like our karmic and cosmic lot.......crosses to bear.....and so I have learned to pay attention when a theme arises again......and ask myself what I might have, or could have done differently to yield a different result......this time.....and I suppose this is difficult some, because it factors in my trusting spirit, and the collective human need for other humans......because well we do......we need people in our lives.....an army of one vibe doesn't really work forever....not sustainable.....so I suppose I am feeling battle worn some, knowing that some of it is just having my wounds poked recently in different ways and that the scab will heal again.....taking the sting out......and feeling like I have been on active duty for a long time....no place to catch my breath for very long...... walking along the road:) and people need to be heard and supported.....yesterday we were out at recess and there was a student helper outside with us, and I asked about her son, I had had him in 4th grade.....and she began to share this intense story, she was in the throes of turmoil, a crisis, and having trouble maintaining.....and she unloaded it all on me, and I was so grateful I could be that for her....and her human spirit shone through.....wounded....visibly so....and the story was HEAVY......and I carried it with her for a brief few minutes.....deeply listening....offering my compassion and empathy.....listening......just as my pastor had done for me on Sunday.....and I suppose it is in those moments that it is enough as I type this.....maybe it is not something that is present in my life every day....but the love of my children and the fine moments I touch down into help me feel held, no matter what happens, and what theme circles back round......I consistently battle within between being the trusting person I am, being vulnerable, and putting myself out there with not wanting to acquire more wounds;-) You see the quandary ;-) Enjoy the day! Wednesday! :)