It is a good place to be......I know with every cell in my body that I am getting a divorce......there is no place in me that feels.a different way.....no soft voice whispering "what if Jenn".........just a solid and strong voice saying clearly this is the end.........and there is peace in the knowing. Truth is I had entertained the end before in my marriage and wondered if it was the end......and never felt certainty.....so I persisted......never felt that strong call.......always doubt swirling in my head and heart......so to be so certain feels amazing......it makes it easier for me.......to know it is over.....but I am not sure the idea of getting a divorce at all will ever be all that comfortable......never feel or sit quite right in my soul......it was not what I set out to accomplish all those years ago.....to end this way.......I believed in the fight......the grit of marriage.....the noble endeavor that it is......it really is if you think of it......I have certainly had time to, and it is kind of amazing to choose one person for your life and tackle all that life throws at you both, and make it on the other side.......stronger....happier.......peaceful and sure about each other.......because we are all on our own journeys.......so to have your journeys mesh with another person's, is no easy task indeed......in fact now from where I sit there are days where it seems damn near impossible.....days where I think about getting married again one day, and think HELL NO! There is no way I would want to give up what I have found and learn to live and love another......to try and mesh my journey with another, and then on other days I think I may be really great at it.......bringing forward the benefit of hindsight.....newfound wisdom and my solid foundation of who I am in this world......who I want to be......what I bring to the table........but that is all for another day to be determined by my destiny ahead, for today I get to lay my head on the pillow each night resting easy in the knowledge that I did every single thing I could to save my marriage........I really did....... and it is amazing to be able to say that and not carry the guilt or doubt of "if only" around with me......to not carry a nagging voice that says well what if you did just this one other thing?.......there truly was nothing more I could give to the fight......I can look at my daughter one day in her eyes and talk to her, and tell her that profound fact as I look into her beautiful brown eyes.........I can also tell her that it is OK to let go........even of your marriage......when it is crushing your spirit and changing you........when you are getting less than you are giving......and your soul is being depleted.......and you have tried all you can......and that your happiness and self respect comes before all the rest........all of it....... and you deserve somebody to love you madly and be fiercely loyal to you each and every day.......and you have the right to seek that kind of love.......and hold out for it........and if you believe you find it and then it changes........as was what I believe happened in my marriage.......you have an obligation to yourself to not settle or dull yourself to adjust to the new circumstances......rather an call to fight for what you deserve.....each and every day.......and I hope the message I am sending her is loud and clear......but no matter what is said to me by him..........or no matter what he does from this day forward.......I am without a shadow of a doubt done.........he and I separating and walking our separate ways in this life.........and I am grateful to know that and feel that deep down in my soul.......and that I have been given the gift of that kind of peace......the peace in the knowing......
jperuso
Comments