Wish I had known it was the last time.......

I have compared what has happened over the last month to my husband suddenly dying.....it feels very much like sudden death to me, and even my kids have described it that way...... No warning, an abrupt end.....no time to really say the things that needed to be said.......to put some things to rest.......so to that end I am absolutely grieving the loss of a man I once knew......and in that grief I keep getting hit with these waves.....waves of " I wish I had known it was the last time" I wish I had known it was going to be the last time we looked at each other with love in our eyes, face to face, looking into each other's souls.....I wish I had known it was the last time we were going to share a laugh about our kids around the dinner table.....wish I had known it was the last time we were going to take a family vacation, or go on a family adventure, wish I had known it was the last time I was going to respect the man that has been in my life for 20 years, my person........wish I had known it was the last time I was going to see him freely playing and laughing with our kids, wish I had known it was the last game of Chutes and Ladders for the "four best friends," wish I had known it was the last fire and cozy snow day together.........the last time we all played outside together........wish I had known it was going to be the last dinner as a family of four.......around our table talking and laughing about life.........wish I had known it was the last Saturday morning we would all be piled in our bed together, watching TV, or just hanging out.......wish I had known it was the last breakfast sandwich I would make you on a Sunday morning.........wish I had known it was the last full pot of coffee I would be making for a long time......wish I had known that and so so many other things........just all of it.........but ultimately I know if I had known it would not make the letting go of all of it any easier......ANY more palatable........ANY more anything.....it would have just caused the pain to cut deeper......the pain of releasing it so much more excruciating.........but I do wish I had been given the opportunity to stand in those spaces with you.......a hint that I should be soaking up those spaces one last time........to let them wash over me like a wave and then watch them go..........never to return again...........I wish I had known it was the last time..........