The first thought I have when I open my eyes is of him and what has happened......the thoughts stay most of the day even amid the normalcy of life.....and then it is the final thing that I think of when I drift off to sleep......I know I have made enormous progress and can feel my wounds healing each and every day, but I really would like for these thoughts to find me less.....to stay away for hours......or even days at a time......I know it is still a pretty fresh wound and that time, precious time, will lessen it somehow, or give me spans of peace in my thoughts, make way, make room for other things to reside there more fully.......but I suppose when you spend 20 years with another, and things end the way that they have, they don't just vanish from your thoughts and your mind so easily........add to that that our children are a constant reminder of a life lost...a life forever changed.....they are walking billboards of what has happened........so it doesn't become so easy to just not think of it and him.......it just isn't....I also think in the trauma of what has happened my soul desperately wants it to make sense still.....like we were all in a horrid tragedy together, an earthquake, a tsunami, something and I am still caught up in the details and just how......how did life change so drastically on a Thursday night??? How did I go from being somebody's "person" all these years to a nobody to them???........how did our family that we loved so dearly become an irrelevant piece of another's puzzle???......and as these questions come I wonder if that is the truth? IF I am seeing an accurate picture.....is the other haunted by the same things I am and I just don't know?.......because I am not there?......20 years was 20 years for BOTH of us......I am guessing I don't vanish so easily either, even if there is distraction for him at every turn. However in a real sense all of that doesn't really matter so much anymore......I am reminded often in my dealings through this that I am WAY better off in my new life....and that the Universe and God has given me an amazing opportunity to live a life I have only dreamed of...........I am finding a special place in the world that fills me up.....brings my soul peace......and my life light.......I also know that it will take awhile to stop the thinking, the remembering, the figuring out.....it took 20 years to put together it will certainly take more than 3 months to go away.......I pray with my whole heart I see a day where the thoughts barely come to find me at all......or maybe not at all.........hard to imagine now but I trust a time in my life exists.......for myself and my children.......they too daily wake with the thoughts and wonder about their dad most of the day......especially Gabe.......sweet and soulful Gabe.......they yearn to have him here and present in their day to day......but I hope it fades for them too someday, into the background of their lives, that they make peace with the new life we have, and embrace the new one I am building for them brick by brick......I have hope that that day exists and it is waiting for the three of us up ahead in all its splendor........I truly believe it........and feel it......we are on our way
jperuso
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