SO I know some themes come around and back around in my blogs....I am aware and not losing my mind or anything lol:). I am giving them a place to come back around because I feel like my journey with the feelings or themes changes as I travel....my perspective vastly different each and every time a particular feeling or mountain comes in front of me.......for me to look in its eye and deal with....so the shock, awe, and disbelief just keeps coming.....I sometimes tell myself I have made peace with it....that somehow I have found a suitable "explanation" for what has occurred in our lives....and when I cling to this explanation or "answer" it brings me enormous peace because I am lulled into believing that I can lay down that emotion, never to have to carry it again....and no matter how many times I am proven wrong, I somehow still believe that some of this journey and healing I get to "just be done with"..........and then in an instant......I am reminded that grief doesn't work that way......it circles around........and around.....and around again........and as much as I want to be done with a certain aspect of this.......it just isn't done........so the shock is one such issue.....gosh it comes out of nowhere and literally smacks me across my face and startles me each and every time it comes..................sometimes it stays away for days....sometimes a week....sometimes less but I am not sure it will ever leave me....that the disbelief at what was done to us will ever become silent......will ever go fully quiet.......the circumstances are sort of unbelievable in every aspect.....and as it continues on I find my disbelief has become greater my shock larger my awe just enormous......and not having a place to put all that shock and awe is tough......it just is....and the place I need or want to put it on isn't available to hold it.....to stand in it with me.....to absorb it.......to own it........and that makes its power that much stronger....that much more powerful.......in all the ways.....in all ways.....so each time it comes.......I swim in it for awhile.....let it move through me......I have lovely people that allow me to verbalize the shock and awe each and every time.....and validate it....because those same people have shock and awe of their own.......and I guess I am waiting for the day when I am able to say "Oh I get it"........but I am guessing that day won't ever arrive and if it does it will arrive after its importance fades into the background of my life.......and maybe it is the point again....maybe the point is for me to manage my own shock and awe.....my own feelings related to it......and accept that it is up to me to do just that..... find a way to make peace with that horror on my own.........maybe.......guess time will tell......
jperuso
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