I think of this often......strength is such a double edged sword....on one hand I feel infinitely grateful that I am strong.....that the factory settings I came in with, in this life, have allowed me to have enough strength, grit, and determination to walk on my path....don't want to imagine what would have been without that.........we were talking to the kids the other day about grit and perseverance, for a bulletin board....and my aide told the kids I was full of grit and the grittiest person.....and it was sweet to have that part of me acknowledged......but it comes at a price......some people get mad at you??? That strength poking something in them.......also people always think you are strong enough to withstand so much, because you have shown you can and will......and they take for granted that you don't need much of anything.......and we teach people how to treat us.....so if you are sensitive or more fragile somehow, folks tread lightly....but it isn't authentic then?? right?? because people are adjusting their behavior to suit your constitution......but it works in reverse too....and sometimes I don't want to be as strong as I need to be.....that is true and honest...... and sometimes I like it, like a lot.....to stand in my own power, and know I can withstand what comes my way, and be able to protect all I hold dear within myself and my life......but there is a quiet yearning in my heart, one that wonders if one day I won't have to be so strong.....I will be able to hang up some of my armor in the closet for good, and feel safe to do so......to meet somebody that will help to soften some of that strength in me, show me that I can let go of some of it......that if I do, there will be balance found in that space.....because if I felt strong in my old life.....which I did, mostly.....I feel even more so in this new life.....and like I said it feels good too.....strong women are everywhere.....and I champion that endlessly.......truly........that is a fact......and there is something magical about feeling strength course through your veins and being, and know that when the rubber hits the road you are equipped to ride......but using such intense strength for so long, comes at a price......and I have had to be so strong for so long.....maybe as long as I remember......maybe since my sister passed away.......or probably even longer.....and sometimes I grow weary......weary of not feeling that there is a safe place to land, and lay that strength down for a little bit and catch my breath....a place of refuge all my own.....or a person of refuge......and I have lots of places in my life that I suppose feel more like that than I ever have....hiking becomes a refuge......a place to let go.......meditation.......my blog.......my daily workout......but maybe it is the person that I wonder about......the person that will allow me to let go some......a person that will carry a sword with me, and use theirs when I am tired on behalf of us both.....because some days my sword feels heavy........and this week has been a battle in so many ways.....and I am a little battle weary heading into the weekend......planning on recharging, and taking it easy ,and filling my cup, hanging with my kiddos......and get ready to face another week, grateful for all the tools I have been blessed with to journey on.......
jperuso
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