For much of my life I have tried super hard to enjoy the small things, be grateful for a moment or a time in my life.......take it in......breathe it in, relish it and realize how important it truly is......but I know now I was still partially asleep at the wheel of life.....not fully present in my life.....there were many days I was surviving and doing the next thing I needed to to get through the day........ we all fall into that from time to time.......life isn't easy.....but it feels like now I was numbing myself with binge watching something too often at night, or checking off my to do list and feeling satisfied in the done part......instead of taking the time to listen to my heart and the things I should have listened to more.....this is not to say that binge watching is not glorious, because when used appropriately it totally is, but I was doing it more often than should have in my day to day, and it was to the detriment of other things I should have been doing......and I see that now.........my days look really different now......than they did when he was here......I had many more responsibilities then, and carried a lot of the day to day inner workings of life alongside of trying desperately to be a good wife, and mom.......a good human......a good teacher......all of it......just trying trying trying......but the part of me that was asleep was the part that was mine.......the part that belonged to my life..........the ME in all of it......what I like to do.....what things make me feel alive and spiritually aligned with my life's purpose.....and I had forgotten those things......and in speaking to my therapist the other day I was saying how what has happened to me, on the other side, makes me feel a bit like a teenager again.....not so much in behaviors, ones that maybe wouldn't be so wise;-) but more in the feeling YOUNG again......EXCITED................ALIVE........all those things.....up for adventures......up for saying yes not no........up for exploring myself and the magic of a moment more often than I was before, or for awhile.........it is a curious phenomenon........but really exhilarating.....in all the best ways those things are.........and in those moments where I am taking time to be more present in my life, more intentional about MY LIFE........ I am finding a NEW life.......learning I actually prefer to listen to music than to binge watch or mindlessly scroll.......impromptu dance parties are life........lots of dancing and laughing in this house these days........that I really enjoy working out and not only working out but doing a substantial one each and every day.......an hour........that I LOVE hiking and spending as much time as I can in the woods........that I CAN meditate.......and stay with it.......and actually quiet my mind now......and that things are coming to find me during meditation that are super exciting..........that writing is most definitely my passion in this life and sharing my journey has been such a gift.......that the kids and I can go on adventures daily and it is starting to feel sorta normal that it is just us........the three of us make sense in this crazy world somehow.......and in that feeling, the feeling of ALIVE.......of AWAKE........I have found one of the greatest gifts in this entire situation........ and really the way to that is to be mindful and present in your day to day, and the moments YOU CHOOSE.......not let them choose you.......to be mindful about how you choose to spend these precious moments and be INTENTIONAL about living.......and one of the biggest things that holds me back in thinking of finding a love one day is the notion of not wanting to fall asleep again......not ever.......I feel so strongly about that......and I wonder if I can only feel this zappy alive feeling by myself? It is a curious question for me........ And if I find him, or he finds me........he needs to be awake too.......like fully........and maybe we can help each other stay that way for the rest of our days.......that is my wish.......shifting my energy that I was futilely focusing on another........to myself and being intentional and mindful of my life........has been the biggest blessing to my life truly......and it makes me grateful each and every day and excited to open my eyes and have my feet hit the floor and see what fulfillment lies ahead in my day and that is magic.......truly:)
jperuso
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