This question is a continuation of yesterday, and my expressing my challenge in not being able to say or resolve the things I need to sometimes in this story, due to the circumstances that exist......and there has been a question my therapist has asked me, and I have asked myself many times, and one I have written about which remains my north star......just leading the way along this journey......."who do I want to be in this story?" and it has been THE single most valuable question I have asked myself so many times......fighting to remain ME amid so much that has happened and continues to happen......so many things that threaten to pull me under......and we are all guilty of fighting WHAT IS....wanting to rail against the IS......wanting to make it different somehow.....mold it into what we wish it was, or what we think it should be and that just isn't possible.....so yesterday I focused on finding sunshine, and did my video about that.....we decorated for Christmas, I used to believe we had to wait till after Thanksgiving, and maybe I still do;-) BUT the kids will be with their dad next weekend, so I did not want to miss doing it with them....well mostly Mads....Gabe is not that interested until it is all done;-) So we adjusted and did the things! Mads is my Christmas buddy....she loves it all as much as I do....she was running around squealing and saying Yay endlessly yesterday:):)....we were playing the Pentatonix holiday station, my favorite...... and she kept saying how much she loves Christmas music:)...then she put on a turtleneck I had gotten years ago at Kmart for an ugly sweater day at school, but she loves it and felt festive:).....rounding out our day watching The Grinch....the old one, that is her favorite....and you know what that is where my focus needs to remain....I KNOW THAT......every single time....every time my peace is threatened amid the drama....and amid the stuff I cannot impart reason or discussion to......turning my attention away from it....and shifting my attention to the things I want in my life.....the people I want in my life....the feelings I want in my life......the things that fill me up.....being a present and happy mother.....that is my goal for my kids and for me each day, doing all I can do within my power to give us that.......I also gave myself the time and space to process the feels about all the rest....gave it a voice....and then got to the business of using the Christmas spirit to flip the script.....watching Madeline's delight.....and having her delight become my own....she is "my person" in a lot of ways.....we have a very close and tight relationship based on a lot of shared interests and delights....and I spend a lot of time alchemizing the human need for control....we all have that need to some degree....some greater than others....but shifting that need to have the world around me function the way I want or wish....using that energy to create the world I GET to live in....mostly:) And only stepping into those other parts.....when I absolutely have to......and letting the rest go.....I am getting better at it each and every time, Amen! Happy Sunday!
jperuso
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