There is a very strong part of me that I wish to overcome.....it is something that keeps surfacing in my new life, and I am reminded of it....I have touched on it before, and it keeps circling around.....beckoning to me to overcome it.....however when it comes I want to resist it......or run and hide away.....and I wish I knew the root of it....I need to figure out the "why" behind it......As my new life has unfolded, I have been willing to tackle almost anything....except this.....lol:) and it is SO foolish.....and I know that........yet.......so last night the hose in my kitchen sink slipped through, and came undone.....and went underneath....and it causes it to leak water under the sink.....and it has happened before, and the last time my dad was here, and fixed it.....and immediately when it happened, I felt that I had to default to my dad about it? Not even considering.....or wanting to consider how it worked, or wanting to fix it.......and just for the people in the back....I DON'T WANT TO FIX ANYTHING LOL:) NOTHING!!!! And when a need like this arises, it immediately stresses me.....shuts me down......short circuits my brain......and he called me, and talked me through it, and it took all of 15 seconds for me to fix.....and duh right??? Like what is wrong with me lol;-) I really don't get what it is in me that feels so strongly about this part and so resistant....but I am........I am so willing to embrace so much of it....any physical labor that my new life requires......learning stuff that I don't really want to with a spirit of willingness.....all of it.....but something about technological, and mechanical needs of any kind....large or small......shut me down immediately....so......I know it is work I need to continue to do.....even though I don't wanna....;-) Like with my whole being don't wanna.......and I wonder if the source of it was that my ex was so good at fixing anything.....so my habit was so strong in the defaulting to him about it???? But really that can't be it.....I have always hated reading directions.....or manuals....or tedious things to put together....like when Mads got her Barbie Dream House.....I knew that was a total job for my parents....they excel at that stuff, and were on it.....and I have never loved puzzles...not big jigsaw ones....not any kind....so maybe there is just this weakness in a part of my brain.....a corner I have avoided exercising....and it has become such a thing now.....that I really need to overcome it......there is no man to default to here....and I cannot expect that, or look for that.....I need to step up more in this area of my life.....I am plenty smart enough to figure out what I need to, and I need to remind myself of that....that is part of it too...I don't feel mentally equipped in that area so it shuts me down....and I tell my class all the time about our brain being a muscle....and the more you use it the stronger it becomes....and we talk growth mindset....and I believe all of that......this part of my brain hasn't grown....YET;-) THE POWER OF YET, is amazing! ;-) So.....once again....last night's sink thing reminded me of the fact that I need to get a grip on myself.....and push harder.....to fight through the knee jerk resistance that comes.....take a deep breath.....and put on my problem solving hat.....and try and figure it out! Even if every fiber of my being doesn't wanna;-) Happy Friday!
jperuso
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