I had an epiphany of sorts in the middle of the night....sometimes it is like that......Something strikes me so deeply and completely in the wee hours of the night, that it drives my keystrokes in the morning.....if I can remember it;-) I have written before about dreaming of my ex from time to time.....always dreaming of sorting, of having things improve between us, be better.....and for sure exercise my subconscious.....my romantic feelings have long been gone for him, they left in a pretty short time considering all the time we had spent together due to all of the ugly things that were happening in the aftermath....and maybe that was a blessing, one disguised some.....but what hasn't left is my desire to find some way to reach him, in some way........ to be friends with him for the sake of our kids....and maybe being friends is too strong a term....too pie in the sky........perhaps being "friendly" with him is enough....and for sure having some sort of relationship.....one that we can access, and one that we can tap into when our co parenting duties call....and for now I default to his girlfriend for that stuff, the making of plans the sharing of details needed to naviagate our path......all of it....a decision I made to make this work for my kids.......and I suspect there are a bunch of things that lie beneath his behavior toward me.....some I know.....maybe some I don't....but I dreamt of him last night and it was a strange dream....very complicated seeming.....a tiger had gotten out of its cage at one point where we all were, and we were discussing that.......I had watched it free itself......but I had a ring that had broken....and had asked for him to help me fix it and he had kindly obliged.....not in a romantic way but in a human way....and that is the thought I woke up with.....where did your humanity go? Your humanity for ME.......the mother of your children....the person you spent 20 years with , the person that forever had your back....ME........And the reason it bothers me so much sometimes, is it is that humanity I look for to confirm it exists? Like where did you go? I ask him that sometimes in my head....and for sure again there are some answers to be found there....and some I don't know, and maybe some I would never understand......and I suppose knowing as I awoke that there isn't anything I could call on him for in our waking life....not one thing.....is a stark realization.....and even more so when you believe to so deeply know another human.......20 years worth....and in a moment they are gone, and what's more really gone....deceased in every way while walking the earth in your story.....no more access to them then if they had moved cross country.....and perhaps that is the final big piece for me to wrestle with as I continue to heal.....the time that has passed hasn't made that piece much better or less incredulous to me.....well maybe a little less so.....it doesn't haunt me or plague me like it did in the beginning....not even close....but it comes to find me sometimes......and having that dream and SEEING his humanity in that dream dredged it up from the place I carry it in my day to day.....and I wish I could ask him the question, where did your humanity go? Your humanity for me go? Where did it go? There is not a thing that happened in our marriage....not ever.....that would warrant the treatment I have received from him....both at the end of my marriage and in the last three years......nothing.......and I am wise enough to know in this chapter that a person's behavior, especially when it is ugly and unsettling ALWAYS has to do with them....and their inner relationship with themselves......and all the rest, and to take it personally ever is not worth it......and while I don't take it personally anymore, or let it upset me in the ways it used to......it still is hard to swallow......and I guess seeing the person I remembered in my dream last night......a helpful human.....one that cared about my challenge some with my ring, and wanted to help me fix it......lots of symbolism there perhaps...........brought it all into focus......grieving the living is not an easy journey.....and one that will be forever be challenging for me to fully articulate......but one that is important for me to explore from time to time so I can continue to heal and one day be free from! Fully free from!
jperuso
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