This one is definitely more personal, needs to be.....and needs to be written......will try and be as delicate as I can........The man I married is currently nowhere in sight.....behaving in a way that is bringing shock and awe to everybody around him......almost daily......doing things that make no sense, that are hurtful, that are destructive, that are just plain wrong. For me it is one of the hardest parts.....To try and reconcile how at the beginning of December I was planning a kitchen renovation with him and in early February I am a single mom, left in an instant by my him, and serving divorce papers......To now know the damage in him was greater than I ever realized all those years, and to realize how deep that pain must be in him to inflict this much pain and suffering onto people that have loved him the most in his life, it is beyond sad and heartbreaking to watch........and apparently this kind of reaction and behavior is not uncommon in somebody that has done what he's done......I have read many stories like mine......somebody needs to be the "bad guy" besides him, otherwise the reality would wash him away......destroy him, if he actually faced the things he has done.......I am learning every day to not take it personally, to protect myself, make it hurt less.....because it has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with who he is at the moment.....I am grateful I was able to realize that, to protect my heart from any more scars wherever possible......Sometimes in the stillness I talk to him aloud.....in the quiet of the night I whisper to him to find his way back to himself, back to his soul, back to his goodness, back to all those things for the sake of his children, for the sake of our relationship moving forward as co parents, or hopefully friends one day.....I try to find that soul connection we once shared, where he would call as I was thinking of him, where he would say "babe I could feel you thinking of me"........ and I pray that phone line still exists.......that the connection is still strong......the current influences in his life are poisoning his soul, no question about it.....and each passing day he is slipping further and further away from light and from goodness and slipping into darkness........once upon a time I felt my job was to save him to help him be the best he could be......I now know that another person can't do that for anybody......they need to do it for themselves........I pray he has the strength to save himself this time........to be his own hero............his children are counting on it........
jperuso
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