It is a question that still haunts me......there are many times I am still in disbelief that I am getting a divorce....the sound of the word makes me wince.......it is so large......so permanent......so much of so much......but I keep looking back from time to time to see if I can spot where the end began......would like to say it was when he started his affair a couple of years ago.......and maybe that was part of it.....definitely part of the acceleration of the end, but I don't think it began there.......I have always marveled at how difficult marriage can be.....complicated.....perhaps arguably the most challenging of your relationships in this life.....requires constant mindful work and the breathing of life into it often.....and I think the challenges that he and I faced in our lives created cracks in our ship......slow leaks........we faced adversity for over a decade in the early part of our marriage at every turn.....like we were being dunked in a dunk tank and jumping up to catch our breath and then being shoved back under....I lost my sister........we lost a house to mold......we had Gabe.......Nick had cancer.......I lost quite a few people I fiercely loved.........we seemed to be under the gun at every turn and our coping was different......and I think in that different approach to coping we both retreated further into ourselves, creating a divide........one that I wish had never been there.......and we devoted 99% of our energy into our boy.......and he needed us.......no question....but we needed us too.......and sometimes there wasn't much left for that in a way that breathes life into a marriage........and along the way we took the good times when we could and rolled with the bad and tried to make our way.......but cracks........they got in........and I think our ship started taking water.......and I just didn't know........thought our patch kit was strong, capable of mending what needed to be and helping us continue to sail........and then the affair came......and I believe that was like taking a cannon to the bottom of our ship..........the water came in at a rapid rate then......and no matter how hard I tried to stop the leak, or bail the water.......... I am not sure there ever would have been a way......even if he had ended it and fully committed to me again.......I just don't think we could have ever recovered in a way that would have helped us sail into old age in the marriage we wanted......I just don't......the damage was too great.......and in hindsight it was not fair to me at all......to try to mend a ship that broken..........but once again I suppose in the reality we lived, I have learned what I never want again.......I never want to feel like I am vying for the attention of my partner in this life......not ever......I will never be in that situation again........I know my worth clearly now........and the only people that are allowed in are the people that understand that worth too......
jperuso
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