Every once in awhile through this there comes an emotional wave that is just TOO BIG.....too big to jump over.....too big to ride.....too big to float on.....just too big....... and I get swept up into it and these strong emotions come to the forefront to be heard.....and they are all valid, all necessary.....all need to be said.....but they feel very strong and very out of control in their demands to be heard and let go.....in these moments I am instantly sorry that I let it grab a hold of me.....that the wave pulled me under, and I let its force overcome me......... but then soon behind that comes the awareness that it is also a very necessary part of the journey.....and that being sorry about it it not healthy or the point......I am human.....I deserve grace.......I deserve to have myself heard.....in the good, the bad, the sad, and the ugly.........that all of these emotions need to have their place and sometimes they are not to be dealt with alone or in private....they are meant to be shared, in a very real way, with the person that caused them......and that is OK.....in fact more than OK.....actions come with consequences.......and sometimes the people in the story are subject to all of those consequences and cannot always control how they come or how strong they are.......not sure of what will always bring up the feelings.....sort of like standing on the edge of the beach and underestimating an incoming wave and finding yourself sprawled on the beach in an instant......it is like that.......SO big.....SO powerful.....that the only choice is to let it knock you down, not to fight it........ and then when you stand back up, water dripping from everywhere, the sand stuck to your soul, you know that you had a cleansing moment.....a necessary moment in all of its ugliness and authenticity.....the reason these waves are uncomfortable for me is because I cannot stay mindful in them.....I cannot choose my actions as carefully as I would like because the emotion is so powerful......however that is the point.......those things must find their way out......so I can move on.......so I can heal.....so I can find a new day........it is in that power that the purging of our souls happen.......and pain is transformative.......no question......the irony of my writing this on Easter Sunday morning is not lost on me.......pain is transformative and in some cases saves the world....I am not looking for my pain to save the world but I am looking for it to save myself and in the sharing of it if I hope it helps some other people on their journey too, helps them feel saved in some way...........I will keep meeting each wave, where it is, how it is, and where I am, and I will be giving myself grace in each new day.......each and every day......I am human in all my real, in all my flaws, and in all MY journey.......
jperuso
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