I have said before that I am lucky that I don't spend too much time in anger.....I am in tune with the true emotions much of the time, and the source of them is not rage or anger.....it is profound hurt......but I am human and rage comes to visit.....not sure I would be normal otherwise.....and when it does it is the toughest to contend with.....like where do I put it? The cause of it is unavailable to have it land on his lap.....so I am left holding it as it is burning my hands.....and I end up holding it for a bit, marveling at its strength, still, how brightly it burns, but confused as to how to purge it......sometimes I run.....that helps a lot......sometimes I meditate, find my center.....truthfully sometimes I want to smash stuff.....but I don't....but maybe I should? Not in front of my kids, but maybe I should? Challenge is my kids are normally around....and I don't want them to see that part.....calling a friend and venting sometimes helps too.....but I am thinking kickboxing may be a good hobby to add to my list.....something that can help release it fully.......rage came to find me this weekend for a bit....and it asked to be heard......wanted its part of the story told.....I listened to it....commiserated with it......validated its existence, and then released it.....truth is if he were in front of me, and strong enough.....brave enough.....to stand in my rage with me, it is likely it would be unhealthy for both of us......feel like the damn would break......and who knows what would spill out......but it is still wildly unfair that I carry all these emotions at certain points and the creator of them is conveniently unavailable for any of it.....kinda crazy right? and most of the time there is so much that is not worth it.....not worth getting jangled over.....it just isn't......and I can normally find my way back in that space once I catch myself.....remind myself to let it go.....not sweat the nonsense.....his circus.....his monkeys.....not mine....but it takes an enormous amount of self control......like enormous......and some days I am stronger than others.....wiser.....more willing to get there quickly....and other times I want to roll around in it for a bit.....marvel at the nonsense.....ask myself is this real life? Could it be possible that I have to deal with such pettiness??? REALLY? And the answer is sometimes I do.....and I suppose the lesson is acceptance.....acceptance in what is.....acceptance that I must endure stuff I despise at times, to find my way further down the path.....and that my control in that is minimal.......because if I had my way I would never speak to him again.....that is the truth......be free of him forever.......but my kids......that part prevents me from that clean break I so desperately wish for......and then hope steps forward.....and hope speaks up after rage, the eternal optimist, and says maybe it won't always be this hard, maybe things will get better......maybe after this chapter comes to a close.....things will evolve in a way that makes more sense.....maybe......I hope......I really do....
jperuso
Comments