Been thinking of this a lot......when you are falling for somebody in the beginning they evoke the best of you.....summon the greatest gifts you possess, and invite them into the sunlight.....to be admired and explored......it is glorious......because you are seeing yourself mirrored in somebody else's eyes........mirrored in their rose colored lenses........through the eyes of love......but as time goes on I think we all hope that those sparkly parts of ourselves remain.....the sides of us that we like the best......the ones that feel the best to us......and maybe in some relationships and marriages they do.....wow I sure do hope so.....but I think over time something happens to some people......to some marriages.......stuff gets in......and you start to summon other stuff in the people you love....stuff that doesn't feel authentic......covered in the circumstances of our lives........summoning things in the one you love that isn't what either party wants to have come forward.....things that don't feel like you or what you want to have as a part of your story.....but yet sometimes they do......I think those things are born out of adjustment.......adjusting to your partner's changes.....to the things that you both have to endure in life......trauma.....stress......life.......and you begin to create a skill set of coping with it all......and you hope that you support each other and see the best in each other......but sometimes those things take hold and you lose sight of you.......I see that clearly now......the person I felt I was in the end.....mirrored in his eyes.....was not a woman I wanted to be......she had a distorted narrative spinning in her mind.....one he had created.....and she believed much of it......she felt older......more anxious.....tired......depleted.....all of those things......she didn't feel that her best parts were asked to come forward......admired.....or even acknowledged in the day to day......and certainly not understood......and I feel it is a cautionary tale.....one we should all heed......being careful of what we believe about ourselves......or what others tell us to believe about us.......I know that in that dynamic I was not seeing or summoning the best parts of him any longer either.....even though I felt I was trying......think too much had taken us over....no room to breathe......no room for any of what we wanted.......just trying to stay afloat........and it makes me sorta sad to think of .......to think that he doesn't get to really ever get to know the me of today.....my real Jenn.......the one that he hadn't seen in awhile......and he may never know her again........because he has that distorted narrative about me still playing in his mind.....the one he almost made me believe for life.......much of it created by him not me........the one that isn't even remotely true......and my prayer is that if forever love comes knocking on my door.......that I am able to hold onto me in that love......and not get swept away in the space and time of a relationship......and that if I start losing myself that I can catch myself and return.......return to my authenticity....to my heart.....to my soul......to all of that......and when I see myself mirrored in the eyes of another that I love what I see......goals.......:)
jperuso
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