This goes through my mind from time to time.........what makes them both think that they could do all the deceitful things they did, destroy all the things they have, and get to live a happy life????????.......it just doesn't work that way.........not in a real sense anyway.........and I think they have both discovered that since that Thursday night.......which I thought would bring me greater peace and joy than it does........watching karma visit them doesn't make me feel all that much better about the price I have paid for all of it............. and what has been done to my family........and to my life........but I do absolutely marvel at the notion that that is truly what they both thought.........that they were going to live happily ever after as they rolled out leaving explosions and fire in their wake......it is truly unbelievable to me, that two people could be so self centered, so caught up in their own way, to actually believe such a thing........but they did.........and based on some of the things I know and some of the things I have witnessed that is not even close to the reality they are living in......not even close......but truly how could it be??? How can you build a relationship on a mountain of deceit and expect it to stand? Because truth is he deceived her as much as he did me at one time.........maybe even more in some ways.......and that stays with her and colors the way she behaves now........and having lived with that myself at one time I know that will never go away........not ever.........it will stay with her and color her whole life and time she spends with him.........as well as the things she is hiding........and the lies and deception she too has committed...so to think that they were winning somehow as he left that night is something I will never understand.........not ever........and most days I don't think much of it anymore.......try and focus on my own life .........my own journey......the things I hold near and dear........but sometimes........despite my best efforts it gets in.........and I find myself feeling preoccupied with the shock and awe...........again............it circles back again for another look.......another up close look at how could this be??..........the question that haunts me the most............like truly..........and maybe it will forever........sometimes I wonder if the shock will ever fully go away..........ever leave me for good.........or if it will hang close by forever waiting for something to make it step forward........bring it into the light..........cause me to look at it closely and marvel at its existence........and what it all meant and means.........I hope it does go away........I also hope the weight of what has been done falls on the shoulders of those that deserve to carry it as time moves forward........I suspect it will...........and I truly don't express that in a vengeful way.......it is expressed as an understanding that the three of us have been left shouldering most of their actions since the beginning of this........doing the heavy lifting........and living in the flames while the two of them sped away in their hit and run car.......without much of a look back......and somehow that doesn't seem like an equitable distribution of weight and consequences........and again I try hard to not get caught up in the scale of justice being better balanced.......it is not where my energy belongs or should lie........I know that.............my energy belongs to me now.......and to my kids.......and to pouring into the three of us and rising above the smallness and horror that has visited us........so as I purge this piece today.........let it go again till it finds me for another look down the road.......I will focus on the things that bring me to the high road to the greater good I try to live in every day........to try and be my best self whenever I can and let the rest of it go..................but really what makes you both think??????
jperuso
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