I have been marveling on this journey often at the things I get to do now, and all the life I have gotten to live in the last two years.......checking off bucket list stuff and doing some things I have always wanted to do, and setting out to do ones that just recently found their way into my heart, and yet I am doing it! I think of the other parts of my life and the cages I built around myself in so many ways.....building cages around my potential or my dreams or my hopes or all of it......as if there was some cap on it all.....wife and mother adequate forget the rest.....and I don't say that at all to minimize what it is to be those things, I truly don't....... and if that is what fills a woman completely than I am clapping for that with all of my heart......I am just saying for me.....it kept me very stifled at times leaving no place for me.....and while I was in it, in my day to day I often loved it.......I often felt my service of my family was enough.......noble even....and I was right.....it was......I did all of the things I did, all those years with a glad heart with deep love for my people.......and I don't regret it at all......I guess the part that I am marveling at now is the fact that I did not feel as if I had a choice......as if I could do all of those things but still carve out room for myself in that story......why do we do as women of do that???? Writing my blog is a dream come true.....seriously.....it may be silly but it is true. I don't think I would have found the time to live out that dream in my old life......public speaking.......always on my radar.......that podcast I did right up my alley.......using all of my love of language and words and just reveling and rolling around in it all.....and my story, one that initially felt so wrought with tragedy.......has allowed me to step into all of the things I have always wanted, deep inside of my heart.....feeling the nudges over the years, the whispers in my heart, but then quickly dismissing them for reasons of practicality and time in my life......there just was none.......and I own my part in that too......I was not good at expressing my needs, or asking for what I needed, or maybe even recognizing what I needed......always overfunctioning for everybody else.......so maybe I could have carved out some more time to chase some dreams.....hard to say.......but I was also low on inspiration at times and energy to do that .....so as I sit here this morning marveling at what the last two years has looked like, knowing clearly that I AM a devoted mother who also is a chaser of dreams;-) I just smile......so bucket listing is on my radar in the second half of my life.....in all the ways.......I found an article I saved of the greatest places to visit and hike in PA to start with the kids....pick a few and then continue on.....we have been doing some amazing things the three of us.....getting to have such amazing experiences and I am so so grateful for all of it.....feeling like walking through the fire......with faith in my heart......was worth all the wounds........I would do it all again to be right here.........I really would.......Have a great Friday y'all and weekend:)
jperuso
Comments