I am trying whenever possible to stay in the day, stay in the moment....making THIS day, THIS moment, the ONLY one I need to concern myself with.....takes an ENORMOUS amount of pressure off and I can do ALL of the things in the day in front of me for sure.......but sometimes I drift and think of what could be ahead....what awaits me in my new life......what could be waiting down that road......one thing that seems super overwhelming, incredibly daunting is being single in my mid-forties, like YIKES! Who wants to be that?? LOL ;-) I think if you ask any mom........in her mid- forties,.......if she is super interested in hitting the dating scene again, she is gonna tell you a BIG NO, lol;-) Dating in your 20s is a LITTLE different than dating in your 40s with two kids for sure ;-) Yeah again, one of those things I had never wanted in my life again....would not be seeking out if it had been up to me......not at this stage in my life but yet here I am..... I have NO plans on dating anytime soon, of that I am certain.....I want a healed Jenn to put herself out there someday, not one carrying a full set of baggage;-) AND the interesting things is there is not one part of me that feels my journey ahead would HAVE TO HAVE another man as part of the story....that somehow it would not be complete if that doesn't happen....that is a dangerous level of amazing freedom! Beautiful FREEDOM! I love that that is how I truly feel! However another part of me is mildly excited about the possibility of falling in love another time in this lifetime.....what a gift that could be someday.......all these thoughts and things that come with divorce are a part of the journey, the little pockets of realizations that come.....they come in to let you know they might be there at some point....they come in to test how you might feel about them, and today the way you feel may be different than the way you feel tomorrow.......coming in and out of focus........there are so many like that......raising my kids alone, without "my person" here, is another one....I feel plenty competent to do just that but it is still weird.....not what I had planned for myself at all........Gabe starting high school next year, Madeline kindergarten....huge milestones to absorb alone.......there is a sadness in that....."my person" is not here with us to enjoy those things with OUR kids in the same way, not ever again......single motherhood and its weight forever and ever is another.....I am so grateful to have my kids and have them be my hope and strength in billions of ways...but it makes it infinitely harder to do anything without your kids, take some time to breathe, when you are a single parent.....it just does.....and add Covid well you get the idea! There are so many "what lies ahead" stuff that comes in to think about , to dream about, to wonder about, to hope about, to not know how I feel about........but I think the best part of all of it is that I am embarking on a true adventure. An adventure alone and the excitement I feel in that is like nothing I have ever felt........Mapping my own path for the first time in my entire life, deciding what comes in, what stays out, deciding all of that ALL BY MYSELF is the biggest THRILL I have ever known, TRULY! :) Something tells me that lie ahead, may just be the greatest ones yet!!!
jperuso
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