There are lots of things that I don't miss from my old life......hindsight it powerful and sometimes I don't think it is fair......it casts a heavy light over all of it making it all seem....well.....not so great.....and it hurts my heart sometimes that it is like that.....because it wasn't always that way.....and there were parts of my old life longer ago, that I truly enjoyed....so I am always tempering that.......trying not to diminish the old.......discount it......discard it, in a way that doesn't honor some of the space we shared......while being honest and realistic with myself about what was......but one of the things I don't miss is the additional stress that was brought to a big event or place we were going......I do not think he intended to do that......but always did......and this weekend ended up being lovely due to the absence of that......we just did our thing.......without additional angst or complications.....and it makes me so sad that often times things had to be that way in our lives.....I suspect I have figured out some of the why now for him......and why that happened when it did......and some of his whys are maybe valid, some not......but all of it was tiring.....and many times unnecessary......and realizing that I don't miss it or him...is hard.....and I am in no way hanging it all on him.....but there were parts of his personality and coping stuff that made things more difficult often......and it was a lot to carry....and it is times like this that help me understand the difference.....help me know that I am truly free......in some of the best ways.....and that doing stuff with the kids and I....... is just easier.....we enjoyed ourselves so much this weekend, and any added stress just wasn't present.....sometimes my hindsight makes me feel sad too because besides its ability to diminish a life it also makes you gun shy for the future......I don't really know what it is like to have a great relationship......both my brothers though, have figured out that part.......being with women that are their best friends, and I think they have a consistently harmonious relationship with their wives......and I am so so happy for them......it is always so lovely to witness....but sometimes I wonder why that eluded me all these years.....that my choices in men always led to complicated stuff.....and it is something I am examining closely in myself....and I know that this time around I won't make the same mistake......I just won't.......which is why the space I have left between, has been so so crucial.....giving me time to heal......clearing my head......not allowing for impulsive decisions that lead to complicated places......so I suppose that is the other part of hindsight.....allowing for learning to take place......clarity......understanding.....and helping you move forward.....a little wiser.....a little smarter.......a little more prepared for what is next......
jperuso
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