My blog has been the best decision I have made in this story.....using it to HEAR myself....to sort the thoughts and feelings in my head as I have traveled, and helping to make it tidier.........and it has been a gift to my life.....the nudge to do it....the space to do it in.....the way it all fell together....the readers that stepped forward.....I still have a core of die hard readers all these years later....and wow just wow :) Humbling:).....but part of what makes my blog so special to me, is the fact that it allows me to speak my heart.....sometimes my mind......and my spirit too.....but lots of times my heart.......and it is what happens to me too when I do my videos.....and it feels so powerful and special to me....finding this way to hook right into the true essence of me, and say what I am feeling.....like really feeling....and express it....wow....nothing feeling false or forced.....just REAL....in the deepest sense....getting to show up as me, and using that power of connection to make my way in the world now....I was never a fake person.....even in my old life.....I tried as much as I could to be authentically Jenn.....and I was mostly....but there is a piece that I have been able to claim in my life now, that takes all of that to another level......I get to be ME, and speak my heart and truth and it is so freeing.....and what made me think of it more today, is that I have had some circumstances this past week or so, that have required me to be authentically me and move in that way....and perhaps it is why the relationship with my ex troubles me some sometimes....as I type this I feel that, see that is why I love this blog so much lol;-) it is the one place in my life where I don't get to be me....there isn't any point.....it won't be heard and seen, or understood... everything being seen through a defensive lens he has created....so it is all tainted.....and too hard to break through....and I suppose my choosing the high road as much as I am able, allows me to be authentically Jenn in that story....getting to show up as me........but beyond that, I don't get to say the things I want to say....or need to say....or any of it....stifled sorta......so as I have surrendered to what is....and choosing certain things to keep our false sense of "peace".......my feeling peaceful, him not so much.....I have adjusted my authenticity, and tried to show up as me as much as I can within the confines he and his girlfriend have created......now I could try to bust through it all, and revamp the system lol;-) but it doesn't matter enough now to me to put that much work into that....to fight the system.....and to spend my precious energy and peace on that....so as authentically me as I feel in so many spaces....that is not fully one of them....and I have to accept that.......but I am grateful beyond words that I have found this new way....when I am typing my blog or speaking my heart on my videos, I feel so aligned and so fully myself, and it is like nothing I have ever known......finding a way to hook up to my heart.....and then find out what my heart wants to say:) And there has been something on my docket since all of this happened.....to write my ex a letter, and then burn it or let it go somehow....and I have struggled with it.....as comfortable as I am with words....I have started no less than 10 letters, and I can't get much further past the first lines....and I am not sure the cause of that?? Is it just too much to say? Or is it the fact that I don't care in a sense that helps me connect to my heart anymore when it comes to him? Or do I feel too much and the emotion of it muddies the clarity? It is really challenging for me.....but I do think it is something I need to do.....there is so much I haven't been able to express to him, which as I type this is also why this blog has been so therapeutic......not leaving all those heavy feelings to sit inside of me and poison me....or make me sick.......I have had this outlet......and therapy....and great friends and family....to release the valve......so my point is, after all of that;-) is that connecting to what your heart has to say is where magic happens.....and I found my way there by deeply listening to what my heart has to say.....what does yours have to say??:) Take a listen and speak from that place and see what you find! Enjoy the day!:)
jperuso
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