Change is hard.......growth can be painful....... and wonderful......but it can also be lonely.......when your life gets thrown into a trajectory that you did not choose.....one that you did not ask for......or seek out.......and you become who you were meant to be on the other side, and you fight so hard in the moments nobody sees, and you fight to accept yourself, and your story, and make a way in your new life, and then you find that the people around you don't always understand you or that...... it can feel really lonely.......we cannot be expected to remain the same through the lives we lead.......we all change.......we either get bitter or better......embrace what comes or fight it........live in happiness or sadness.......positivity or negativity.......faith or fear.........worry or hope........peace or turmoil......I was reminded of how much pain I carry yesterday......for so many reasons......the pain that lives deep inside of me.......and sometimes when it all steps forward and I take a look at it all it takes my breath away.......feels overwhelming, like I am swimming in an ocean of it........and I have spoken many times about the fact that we all have pain......I am not unique........we all carry burdens in our soul......situations we wish were different......complicated life stuff, and complicated relationships and situations........and I always had hope that one day it would all be gone.....but I think now that that is a foolish notion......not how it works.......However I do think healing is real and it can be done each and every day, through the intentional decisions we make.......but for it to ALL go away.....the stuff we carry from our childhood, and all the life we live, I don't think it goes away fully......I think it stops bleeding.....scabs over......heals......not so sore anymore.......but parts of it remain.........inside of us........making up the wild tapestry we all are.......and the fact is I don't need to be understood by everybody I love to confirm to myself that I am on the right track.....the only person that needs to know that is me........and that has been the work and the challenge for me.....to stand strong in the new me and in my new life and not feel the need to defend myself to the people around me.....or apologize for changing........but just hope that learn to accept, understand, and love the person I am becoming......but that kind of growth can be and is so lonely sometimes, no question......there are memes about it for a reason.......because often the people around you are not growing at the same time you are.......or sometimes not very much at all........and sometimes it can make you feel like an alien......so as I have been reminded......I need to just take a step back.....and a deep breath......and accept that my new life has cost me my old one......and even if I could go back, I wouldn't and couldn't ......and there would be nothing there for me even if I did......nothing about that resonates in my soul anymore.......I have to be brave enough and strong enough to walk my truth even if I don't always feel understood.....I fought hard to be her and I am honoring her journey every single day........even when it is challenging.......especially then........
jperuso
Comments