There have been many AHA moments throughout this journey.......feel like Oprah most days LOL:) many moments that have come carrying a huge suitcase full of clarity and awareness......and one of them is in the dynamics we create with our people, based on old patterns in our lives, that find a home in us when we are young......one of those dynamics...... that didn't serve my life or my marriage well, was my being the "responsible" one out of our pair, and always carrying the heavy weight of being the more "adult one".......it trapped me into a role I did not want.....one that didn't feel fun or free.....or anything....or like the real me in any way........and the more I had to step into that role the truer it became until it was who I felt I was......the more serious, more responsible, less fun, etc etc........when in fact again it wasn't true in any real sense at all........it is true I am responsible, it is true that I think things through, and chart a wise plan, BUT my soul is not a heavy one.......it is not an inherent drag......it is not so many things I thought it was as I was living under that weight.......and NOW because my anxiety is not provoked at all, no worries about whether I am able to drive the bus and do it well.....not waiting for anybody to mess it up......or tip the boat......I AM FREE......I think it is one of the reasons I feel so happy lately.......because my anxieties and fears are not being provoked daily....in the uncertainty of living with somebody that was not certain.......I don't feel anxious in my days no matter what comes because I fully trust myself......and trust what I bring to the table......and don't need to doubt any of it.....so I just get to be light and happy and easy......I also trust the journey and the fact that I am being lead each and every day.........Madeline told me the other day how happy she thought I was, and I said how do you know that? She said because you smile all the time mom, and dance and sing! That is something right? Something I am sharing with her......that her mom is happy, :). If my old life continued......she would not have had the same impression.......unfortunately.......and the flip side of what he brought out in me was what I brought out in him......a rebel teen type thing......where he just never quite grew up......and had to have some things that were his that followed his rebel unreliable narrative.......and we both were a part of the dance.......and those roles find us, from things that happened to us long ago......are as comfortable as a cozy sweatshirt.......and now I am keenly aware that I don't ever want to be with anybody that summons that Jenn.....if there is a man out there that will be mine someday......he will need to be a grown up all his own.....have all his life pieces together.......rock solid.....steady, light, happy, and fun like me......and bring out the absolute best in me......as I will in him........because once you have a deep dynamic like that.......and see how it plays out.......and feel the absence of it.......you never want to see it again.......I want to be able to feel like the Jenn I am right now.......and more.......and find someone that summons my best parts......and I am not settling for less:)
jperuso
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