I have let go of the why of his leaving.....I sort have pieced it all together and have enough of an explanation that I can let that go......the why that haunts me is more to do with myself and how the one thing I sought in this life eluded me completely.....just disintegrated into the air, like a mirage promising water up ahead......I was watching a movie last night and there was a sweet part with the parents, and they were playing with their young babies on a blanket, and enjoying their children and one another.....and when I say that that is truly all I ever wanted in all my life, that is true......and when I think back I am not sure how much of that I achieved.....there were moments of that......I have flashes and can remember some....memories of us reveling in the life we had created, the humans we had created......but much of it was strained and way harder than it needed to be, than I ever thought it would be, than I ever wanted it to be.....and as I watched that sweet scene in the movie the grief swell came......a moment of reverence and silence for my little family, the one that got obliterated two years ago......the one that is gone forever, and the other grief that came, that was surprising is that I get no do over.......I am past my baby making years, and that picture, the one that I held in my mind so fiercely for as long as I can remember, and the one that paraded across my TV screen last night......is gone forever.....the chance passed and gone in this lifetime......and that reality brought me grief in that moment too.....and then as I was honoring the feelings that came up, it occurred to me that there are likely moments up ahead for me in THIS life, that will make up for all of that......ones that I haven't even imagined yet......ones that haven't even been born in my places of desire yet.......and I rest easy in that.......but anytime I think of this specific part of it......I wonder why for some folks the marriage and family thing is knocked.......looks effortless.......that some people figure it out, and get to play that out that in the day to day.....harmonious relationships with their spouses.....mostly....... and just an equal love of family on both sides.......and I have always felt so alone in that.......in the level of importance I placed on those simple moments......simple outings with our family.....and how big they felt to me, and how much they meant......so much uphill in hindsight......so as I have said many times.....I always honor the feels that come....never judging them.....knowing that their voice is valid......and then I release it, reframe it.....and move on........
jperuso
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