Waiting to exhale..........

I feel like I have been holding my breath for years now.....I held it all that time through his affair......looking over my shoulder.......waiting for it to all come crashing down......knowing that it was fragile and that his role in it was unpredictable........hoping for the best.........but then it did.......and when it did that exhale didn't come......because I had to survive.......reinvent me.......take care of my kids.....work through Covid......learn how to teach in all sorts of wild and new ways......heal myself so I could function......and even in the aftermath when the dust settled and the sun came out......I am still not fully exhaling.....too much to do.....to wade through and survive........and then Covid.....spent nearly three years looking for it, holding my breath....then it came knocking.....and I held my breath through it and now on the other side I am still waiting to exhale.......knowing that I need to take all this fear and worry that I carried through these parts of my life and set it down now.....fully.......and sometimes I am not sure if I can fully give myself that relief, that moment to let go......it sort of reminds me of a movie, when the characters go through some intense event, action, danger all of it and then at the end one of them breaks down......saying how scared they were and the danger is passed, they are safe and they can let go......I really haven't had a moment like that.....and I feel I may need one at some point......and you can't summon that in yourself......it has to come organically......and maybe it won't come until I meet somebody that I feel safe with and can let go.......or maybe I will work through it in therapy when I get back to doing it in person....and doing EMDR therapy and really tap into all that trauma and release it......I do a lot for myself to calm myself and soothe myself and heal myself.......but there is an awareness in me where I have not had that big moment when I let go and really exhale all this white knuckling I have had to do for a LONG time.....just jumping into what I have had to do......sometime screaming in my head all the way......free falling through such uncomfortable places.........feeling so overwhelmed at the next hill I have to climb......but then doing it......and feeling so good on the other side.......I will forever carry all the bravery this time in my life has brought me.......I have had to do so much scared......with no place to put that fear, except to swallow it and use it as fuel.....to summon my brave.........use it all to drive me.......to keep me moving forward, till I find my way on the other side.......one of the parts of having Covid in my home that loomed heavily was it just being me here.....what if I got super sick?????.....I was steeling myself for the fact that I may have to be super sick and rally to take care of my kids......no matter what.....and now on the other side I can lay that fear down......pick up the gratitude that that didn't happen and Covid was kind and gentle to us.....but that notion was a lot to hold this past year.......knowing nobody could come help me because of the nature of what Covid is.......and when it would creep in, I would acknowledge its voice but then choose my faith and trust to lean on....my instincts.......my intuition..........knowing that whatever is meant for me is always for me.....that my path is divinely guided, and that I am being led and watched over each and every day.....I feel that with every part of my soul........and that is all we can do.......trust what is......know what lies ahead is beyond our control.......hang onto our brave......move in the ways that feel authentic and like us......and then let go......and if we are lucky have a safe space in our lives to exhale.......and I hope someday I have a place, a safe place......where I too can fully exhale........in the meantime I am committed each and every day to giving myself what I need to heal and let go of what I can........but I am waiting to fully exhale..................