Vulnerability.......

As I have been home and able to process and think about quite a bit.....and that full moon though;-) I have been examining vulnerability in me......and knowing that it is maybe one of the most uncomfortable things for me. Even though I share my journey and story publicly, I still don't feel vulnerable in that......I know that I own that story......that I have accepted any stuff that comes as a result, and have let go of letting the thoughts of others control or guide my actions.....so I am free to not be vulnerable in that part......that is not to say that I don't allow myself to be some with some friends and people close to me.....but it is not comfortable and never has been......I guess if you keep some things at arms length you can't get hurt as badly.....and at the end of my marriage I went all in......after the fallout and everything that had happened, I decided to be really brave and be really vulnerable and let some of my guard down, and my armor I had collected over the years, I laid that down and I decided to try and be more vulnerable and learn how to lean more......and then, well you know the rest......and I try not to be angry at him further for sort of understanding what a big deal that all was for me, and still doing what he did.......because again he is on his journey.....and I am on mine......but the irony is not lost on me......because it is an issue I have battled for a long time.....I have always been the one to take care of somebody else......not really allowing myself to be taken care of.......I can only think of a few instances in my life, and they were under dire circumstances.......but in the day to day, I know that I can only rely on me......I trust me, and I know that I won't let myself down.......and I have touched on this in the past and the struggle, and I am trying so hard to work on it......and I suppose the only way I will be able to really work on it, is when a relationship comes along that helps me understand it is safe to do that.......to let my guard down......to allow a person to come into my world, and help me learn how to do all of that......to lean......to allow myself to be weaker some;-) lol.....take a breather from working as hard as I do at keeping all the balls a juggling;-) so I suppose through a series of events and being home and contemplative these last two weeks, I realized I have work to do in that regard......I need to work on letting myself let others help me......much more often than I do now......work on saying yes instead of I got it.....and I will try and I will be conscious of it.....because being vulnerable and letting people fully in is where magic can happen.....under the right circumstances......I know enough about it to know that:)