Validation............

This is a really tough one......I wrote awhile back about letting go of the need or desire to sit in front of Nick and hear him say the things I felt I needed to hear for so so long.....and my awareness of not necessarily needing that from him is still true......however this Covid situation brought up its voice and that it is ever present......and I had a few dreams in recent days that poked me to that end too......and when I am looking for that validation from him.....it is not to get an ego stroke.......or to feel superior to him......or for him to even really understand fully.....because truth is he just cannot.....he will likely never understand what this last year has been like for me in any way.......and most of all in terms of our children.....and what it required to rebuild them and help them recover from the explosion that he caused......he just won't......and perhaps if he finds himself alone in his life at some point he will get a taste of what it was for me......but it is likely no matter what comes calling to his doorstep, the true weight of what I felt will not be felt by him......and I don't really need that to be the case.....I mean there is a very "just" part of my personality, maybe the Taurus in me, or maybe in everybody that has been visited by horror inflicted on them by another human.....to have there be some desire to see some equal balancing of the justice scales.....some fairness......equity......any of it.....and from where I have been sitting sometimes it doesn't seem like that has been the case....at all.......although I certainly don't know much about the life he lives now......but that really isn't the point in a real sense......the point is more that the part of me that exists, that is core to me......wants him to understand what I have done for our children.....what I have done to support them......to keep their bodies healthy and strong if Covid came knocking.....because I was pretty sure it was going to......understand that every action and choice I make in my day to day life is for them.......and why is it so important to me for him to get that????????......I can't say.....and I wish it weren't......and it is my work in the new year to do.....because most days it truly doesn't matter what he thinks........I do not give that much weight at all.....happy to do me and my life without wondering what he thinks or doesn't.......but like I said this Covid business brought it to light again.....and maybe it is rearing its ugly head again to come around to finally being let go for good.......there are lots of psychological reasons why it may be surfacing, based on things in my past, that I understand clearly as I have worked hard on them......so my goal is to find my way past this too.......this surfacing awareness of some need.....one that will likely not get met.......and doesn't need to for me to be whole.....the feeling of it and my understanding of the reality are two different things.....I know clearly that just because it feels like I need it from him.......the reality is I don't.......the thing that always strikes me though, and gives me such pause......and seems like such a waste.......is that in this past year there were many times, many.......that he could have brought us such healing.......if he would have been brave enough to stand in the pain with me and say just a few words of validation......of compassion......of anything.......that there were tiny actions that would have brought herculean results......and they were all missed opportunities on his part.....and he doesn't even know enough to know he missed them......so I will work on this piece.......of working through the feelings.....understanding that my validation does not need to come from an outside source and not him for sure.......and I will keep choosing what I feel is right and worthwhile in my day to day and do my best to let go of the rest! :)