Vacation!!.........

I know that for many, this time of emergence post pandemic marks the first time people are beginning to resume some more normalcy, and while some people were able to get away during Covid, I was not among them......we stayed close to home and sorta did our thang, for more reasons besides Covid;-) Actually I think I haven't been away in a real sense since a year before that fateful March.....so yeah it feels kinda good to get away:).......to be somewhere with my kiddos and my family.....and to be checking off another first......the first time on vacation as a single mama....it feels good to be doing all of it and I am grateful.......the ride here was smooth sailing and easy......my dad rode with us which was nice and appreciated......I was happy for the extra grown up support, especially with bathroom breaks! AND to get to spend Father's Day with him:) .........However with a milestone......with some progress....and with gratitude, comes a little pang still sometimes......yesterday was Father's Day and the kids got to see their dad on Saturday because we were going away......they ended up calling him from the car to wish him a Happy Father's Day......and listening to Madeline's little voice talk to him, and say all she did, stabbed my heart some.....mostly for her, and for Gabe, and that their lives are different than they ever wanted them to be......that I ever wanted them to be.......it swells and hurts my heart for them sometimes.....usually in one......random.......arbitrary moment.......one that I can't change......one that I just need to sit with......letting it wash over me until it passes......and it was one such moment......so as I drove and watched the highway stretch in front of me......I took a deep breath, literally, acknowledged the existence of the moment......and then let it pass.......sometimes the reality of the fact that I cannot make this any better for them in the long run, and how it will all sit with them as they grow......makes me feel so overwhelmed and emotional for them.....I am their mom........I want to save them from all things trauma and heavy sadness, and in this situation......it is again a lesson in LETTING GO........accepting what is......letting go of what isn't and understanding that while I cannot control my journey......I cannot control theirs either.......there is a school of thought that subscribes to the thought that as souls we choose our life path before we enter into this reality.......deciding what lessons and challenges will find us......agreeing to it......having some enlightened notion of what the lessons we have chosen will bring us in life, before we take our first breath.......I kind of love that idea......a soul contract if you will.....meaning that my kids, when they were just spirits in the beyond, decided to choose me.......to choose him.......to choose divorce.....maybe Williams Syndrome.....all of it, to take them on their journey while they were here.....and it means I chose it all too......and lately it feels that my choosing included accepting a very intentional and special mission of helping others and being of service in different ways throughout my walk........and sometimes it is a simple as that awareness......aware of my earthly struggles if you will......giving them room and space......but acknowledging the vastness and the spiritual life that lives in all of us, and knowing it is much larger and much more complicated than the talk they had with their dad that hurt my heart......and it helps it really does.......so today I am excited to begin to make new and exciting memories with my kids......reimagining a family vacation......the three of us......rejoicing for my mom, she was so excited about planning a vacation for all of us to be together in one place......so this is a big deal for her too.......I am so happy for her that we were all able to do it.......so without further ado........let vacation commence:)