Two worlds........

Unfortunately due to his actions and the dynamic he has created in his life, he has sentenced us all to live in two worlds........because he is living in them........in his primary world he is living with her......and following all of her rules as they relate to me and the kids......which include limited contact with me, and when there is I am to be treated poorly via text or phone call.......for her benefit......so she can feel better and more secure in her relationship with him that has been built on lies and deception.......it is beyond exhausting to deal with and keeps me on my game of walking the high road, to not getting sucked into the smallness and the games...............so I keep being me, while she is being her, and he is losing who he once was and joining her........at an attempt to find and keep peace in his life..........it must be so exhausting for him......because the harder he tries the less peace is achieved for him......for them........he doesn't understand that you cannot achieve peace by treating others poorly........it will never work.........then the other world he lives in is the one I saw him in yesterday......when he came here to get the kids......when it is just us and he acts like normal Nick.......complete with decency.......and loveliness.......and a willing spirit to work through what we need to, to do what is right for our kids.......it is easy and light......not a complication in sight...........and I just think every single time, why does he allow it......allow himself to sink so low to pacify.......to attempt to calm her demons.......her insecurities.......why doesn't he just stand up and say what he needs to, to make this situation much better than it currently is......I could say something as simple as he is a coward......and that may be true now to some degree.....I am not sure........but I really don't believe it is as simple as that.......I really really don't........I believe that on that Thursday night he made an impulsive decision......not one that he hadn't thought about for a long time.................I am certain he did but in that moment that he decided to come inside after talking to her and drop the bomb, I think it was an impulsive moment for him............without thinking fully of what would lie ahead.......and now he is stuck living with that decision and trying to manage two completely different parts of himself.......two men that show up for the women he is having to deal with........and when he is with me he is decent, kind, does the right thing, has respect for us and our family.....and when he is with her she brings out that man I don't know.......the one that does all the things that make this situation far harder than it needs to be.....all those things that add to the hurt and suffering for myself and the kids...........and the part that is frustrating to me in all of it, is that it is his choice to live in those two worlds........but for the kids and I it is not our choice.....I would never choose such craziness. yet we have to live with the consequences of that because we have to experience him in both of his worlds........I am hoping that he and the kids had a terrific visit.....they seemed to be really happy when I talked to them.......and I hope that living in that world.....with them......helps him remember the world he should choose, stand up for, integrate into.........the one that requires him to be his best self and fight for the greater good, their greater good.........so when he comes here I choose to be kind and open myself.......to not let resentments build......to show my kids my respect for their father.......to be light and accepting.......so they don't have to carry our heaviness......and so far each and every time he joins me in that.......steps forward and is his best self for them too.......just wish it could last when he pulls out of our driveway to return to his other world.......but it fades far too quickly each time........under her influence........and it is just heartbreaking........I pray with my whole heart he finds the strength to live in light and strength.........I truly do........and in the meantime........I will continue to do that for the both of us..........