Being single I mean.....it is easy to do.....I think of 20 something Jenn.....I am guessing, knowing her, that she would not have embraced single life as much as 40 something Jenn has.....she felt differently about life then.....about love.....about dating....about all of it....but now that I am here.....as single as I have been in decades, and for the longest amount of time in all that time......it is intoxicating......I can totally see how people just decide that is their deal.....it is SO much easier.....and I am also aware and wise enough to know that due to the challenges in my marriage my view on relationships may be skewed.....perhaps when you find the "one"......it is as easy as being single is? Maybe.......I don't want to end up one of those cynical chicks.....with big walls surrounding me, and no room for anything in my life either.....there has to be an in between space I suppose.......but single life is kinda great.....it is exhilarating to make my own decisions........blaze m own path......construct my own reality......figure out where I want to go on any given day, or in the future......it is interesting.....in my marriage I thought of down the road, the future, but not in a way that held space for dreams, hopes, or exciting goals......not like I do now......now the future is popping with all sorts of possibility and a ton of vision........I have some serious intention driving me going into 2022....this past year was about healing.....finding myself......transforming my life in ways that set a foundation for myself and my kids.....and now it is time to start living my dreams in the years to come......leaving all of the rest behind.........having processed it....healed it.....acknowledged it.....sat with it......let it move through me.....and now I am ready for what is next! But I am trying not to get too comfortable being on my own......and sharing a life with somebody who is equally as comfortable in their life as I am, will most definitely come bearing challenges of its own......when you are 20 something.....not too set in your ways......not as confident in your life......but 40s, well they are magic......wearing that skin and who you are like a regal robe......and you really need a person that is going to get that......and that you can get.....so as I have said many times in my blog I am not worried about what is or isn't for me as I move forward......I know whatever is meant for me will be......no doubt........I know that the patience and restraint I have shown in not seeking a partner during this time in my life, and taking the time I needed to heal me and work on me, will one day pay off in all the ways I want it to......or need it to.......and it was well worth all of it....and my desire hasn't even really been to be with anybody......not in a real sense.....too challenging at the moment......and sometimes it makes me feel a little overwhelmed at the notion.......because for me, unlike him, it will not be easy.....I will not have my children feel the absence of me as I fall for somebody......I will not get babysitters while I go out and meet up with that person all the time......I have a small space in my life for love, that will need to be strategic, and happen in a very particular way.......my children will never feel abandoned by me for a new love........they have been through too much......SO.......that makes it complicated.....but again I trust somehow some way, I will figure it out......and when it comes it will make sense somehow......but in the meantime I am going to try and not wear my single, like a second skin:) Not letting it become such a deep part of me that I forget how to share lol;-) None of it worries me, just curious is all.......I marvel at so many of my beliefs and shifts these days and being single is definitely one of them....never thought I would enjoy it as much as I do.......my goal on any given day is to remain open and aware, so that anything meant for me has a space to be heard:)
jperuso
Comentarios