Once upon Jenn was an extremely trusting soul......believing that people say what they mean...mean what they say......and have honest intentions......because it is my belief that there truly is no reason to lie in this life......it will only lead to complications in the long run....and I have been examining why I was such a trusting soul.......and I think I was such a trusting soul because I am a trustworthy human.....loyal and honest to a fault......so I look for those same places in other people......so for many years I got to lay in that trust.....wrap it around me like a warm blanket.....feel its protection......its goodness......rest easy in its presence......and then in an instant that same blanket got ripped from me......and my concept and journey with my trusting nature has become forever changed.......There is absolutely no way I can be the Jenn of once upon a time.....and I suppose it is not such a bad thing............really............she may have been TOO trusting....TOO open....just TOO able to be vulnerable.......... to hurt....so as sad as it is I cannot live in that space anymore......my trust in this world being shattered in all of the biggest ways......it is perhaps necessary for me.........so now in the present.....I have learned that the only person I can truly rely on is ME......and many of my family and friends....and in that realization it brings peace to my soul and the not having to worry about being betrayed in this moment in time feels like oxygen......like sweet sunshine.....the smell of spring.....the smell before it rains......the smell of fall......all of it........however as I move forward in my life, new people will come into my life, new friends.....new people......new experiences......and in that newness.....I will have to tap into my trust issues.......and unfortunately I am afraid they will be plentiful.....and it has occurred to me often how unfair that truly is......how unfair it is to do that to another human....to ruin their sweet sense of security in this world and to strip them of all of that and then send them into the world to make their way........but in that unfairness comes the knowledge once again that it is what was meant to be......I needed to examine my trusting nature some, and maybe find a way to make peace with the old Jenn and merge her into the new Jenn in a healthy way......helping the past and present co exist in a harmonious way......the trust mountain will perhaps my largest to climb......definitely my biggest challenge on this journey....to learn to trust my judgement.....trust others.....trust all of it......it is all so complicated..........and perhaps will be complicated for quite some time.....I will need to lean into my instincts......and remain trusting of them even though they have failed me in my once upon life......trust that my instincts have been renewed and have found rebirth also.........I am finding them stronger than ever and will trust them......I will find a way to learn how to turn damage into healing.......suspicion into faith.......and hurt into hope......each and every day.........
jperuso
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