Trauma changes us, no question.....we cannot exist in the same space we once did once trauma finds us.....or remain the same people we once were.......and I believe that is true for us all, no matter the trauma.....the book I am going to be a part of is a compilation of shared stories of overcoming trauma that found us all, and finding transformation on the other side.....tomorrow I get to share my story on a summit that will be livestreamed on FB......15 minutes to speak my truth.....and I am so excited and honored to be able to do that......and I think the hard part for me is when the trauma I have faced causes me to do something now that is not in line with who I am, or who I feel I am, or who I have always been.....my desire to protect myself has deepened.....making me skittish and protective of myself in ways I never was.....and maybe some of that is good right? Maybe....?.but sometimes it isn't.......because my default feels like I should be in retreating into my own self and space and life etc......It keeps me wary of people and their intentions to some degree....however it hasn't closed me off as much as you would think, I still hold a big piece of me......the one that trusts people, and their intentions until they show me otherwise.....but I have experienced my trauma affect my life directly along this journey and it is sad to me when it happens.....it is hard to explain......it leaves this imprint and sometimes you are up in a reaction that comes from that place, before you can even consciously choose or catch yourself.....which I think is also unnerving to me, as I am careful in my response to things and what I say and do......I had laid down doing that EMDR therapy for a little bit....specifically for overcoming trauma....and it may be good to pick that up.....work through some of the active traumatic stuff that happened during that time. so I can shed it all and leave it in the past as I move along.....So this next year looks like it will be an exciting one....full of opportunities to slay trauma even further and live out loud......I have some more writing to do....which has become my love.....and that is exciting.....and I am hoping tomorrow goes well! It is the beginning of this journey in my mind......the starting off place.....and I never write what I am going to say or make a "speech".....when I did the women's night I did not write a speech.....or when I do my videos.....I try my best to connect with my heart, speak from my heart, and see what comes......and I trust tomorrow will be the same! Transforming my trauma is important to me.....it is the only way to reclaim your life.....to not poison yourself with residual stuff.....stuff that will cause health stuff, and so much more.....so I try to remain conscious of where I have work to do, and then do the work I need to let go of another piece.....I guess as I type this what becomes frustrating is when a hidden piece of it pops up....one that I didn't realize exists....and one that lives deep inside of me.....further down than I can see on a daily basis.....those are the pieces that are important to address and move on from......I have past traumas in my life too that might be good to address in EMDR therapy.....but I will start with the betrayal trauma, and the moments of impact that did the most damage.....and work backwards.....and walk into this new year with hope and faith in my heart that each moment, every step, all of it, will take me closer to my dreams and to continue to transform my trauma:)
jperuso
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