Unfortunately when you have been traumatized your trauma lies....and bleeds its way into your day to day.....telling you stories about things that just aren't so....and it has become apparent to me that I still have some healing to do.....and it is related to my marriage....I think I have healed so many parts of me, and this story.....and the grief of losing my family of four in this life was a massive blow to me.....and was the grief that found me first.....and holding it was excruciating.....and felt so heavy.....like holding a giant boulder......and it nearly destroyed me......in every way......so I got to working on that grief first and healing past that......and now I do not feel the pain of that the same at all.....knowing that I created a family in the three of us.....and that we just alchemized the love that remained between the three of us into a new dynamic and space......but sometimes as I travel I am not sure I have given my grief of my marriage the same attention....realizing so early on that I was better off.....that I sidestepped it some.....and as things arise I can feel spots that are still sore....and raw......and need my attention.....and I am committed to healing, I really am.....no matter how long it takes....and I know there is not a end to it.....a day I awake fully whole......and without any imprint of it all on my soul....but I know that every day that has passed....and every year......it has brought me closer to overcoming the trauma I endured.....and if you have never experienced betrayal you may scoff at my using the word trauma......but there were three fallouts in my marriage before he left, and at each discovery I shook and my teeth chattered and I went into shock for hours...... and remained despondent for days......and rode the roller coaster of it all....and it was trauma in every sense of the word......and I read something the other day that resonated about healing..
"Things I know about healing, when you want to run stay.......when you want to hide open up.....and when you think you are done go a little further."
And it is so true.......these words....and sometimes I get angry.....I do......I have a sore spot poked, and the whale surfaces, and I want to breathe fire on him for doing this to me, and leaving me with this healing to contend with......this mountain to climb.....leaving me with these pieces to put back together....but that fire is what drives me.....the fire in my belly, and the fire in my spirit that keeps telling me it is possible......it is possible to find the life I want on the other side of all of this.....that it is possible to lay my demons to rest, and find the happiness I seek with a partner someday.....One that will not do the things he did....or hurt me in the ways he has......and I will learn to love again, in a totally different way.....healthier.....happier......wiser......stronger......and without the hue of this story cast upon it.....so whenever I recognize a sore spot, I know that I am called to heal it.....and do the work related to it, so I can lay it to rest.....and that is exactly what I will do......every single day.....
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