In a couple of days it will be the four year anniversary of my ex leaving our family, abruptly one random weeknight.....and here is the thing.....trauma is tricky.....our bodies remember the trauma, whether we want to or not, and as the anniversaries circle around the sediment on the bottom of our souls gets disturbed some....no question about it....and as it approaches, I feel it.....that is true....even 4 years later....and I think we mistakenly think that if we, or others are STILL feeling stuff after so long there is something flawed in their healing....and I am here to say that isn't so....his leaving that night was by far THE most traumatizing thing I have EVER faced in my life, and I have faced plenty.....and the betrayal trauma I faced before his leaving was immense.....and my recognizing that, and giving that space to be heard doesn't negate the years I have traveled in between, and the endless hours of healing I have done to regain my life, and live a life I really do love.....a life that feels more like me than I ever have before.....each piece fitting perfectly into this puzzle that is now my NEW life.....and both of those things can be true at the same time....and I think we need to be so careful when we judge another's journey.....appreciating and validating what others are feeling as they navigate it all, and not looking at it through our own mirror......because we are all different, and the depths to which we love, is the depth to which we hurt.....of that I am certain.....so while most days this story is found way in the background of my life, a dull hum far away, there are still times where the hurt steps forward, and the betrayal and trauma has its say....and that isn't because I am stuck in some way, or holding onto the past, or any other number of things.....it just is.....it is something that needs to be accepted amid the rest.....and truly that time period feels like a whole other life.....like almost hard to touch it truly.....I don't really recognize any of the characters in that story anymore.....we are all different.....the trauma of that night changing us all, even him.......and now here we are....new, and changed, and some of us evolved.....and as the anniversary rolls around again.....the day I was liberated to live the life I was truly meant to, not the day I was left by my ex husband....I am acknowledging what is coming up for me.....not judging it.....or wondering why I can still feel the trauma of it all now.....and hopeful that perhaps one January it will fade completely from my soul's memory.....fall away forever into the abyss.......But being human IS feeling.....it IS acknowledging our pain, it IS loving......it IS healing......it is all those things and more, so that we don't allow sickness to live in our souls......unresolved stuff I believe contributes to that stuff.....so today's blog is to just give you permission to feel if you are reading this.....not to feel pressured under other people's timelines for your pain.....owning it.....and knowing that whatever place you are in with it all, is exactly the right one:) Happy Saturday:)
jperuso
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