Transparent........

Sometimes I wonder if I should be less transparent in my life.....share less.....say less.....be less honest about the journey I am on.....once upon a time I kept some things hidden away.....ashamed of the way they were, or the way they looked.....and it was a heavy burden......making me sick and destroying me bit by bit.......and I have always been honest about my life to a fault.....seeking to share it all with the people I feel I could trust.........and I still continue to be...........and when you reach a level of freedom where speaking your truth and owning your truth is all that matters.....and if somebody exploits that, well.......that is on them.....then you become free.....free to not live in the shadows....and with the weight of other people sitting on you......and now I have become fully comfortable being transparent.....fully......and I make no apologies about it.....but in the aftermath I have been betrayed by people that I trusted so deeply, and that gives me pause sometimes.....and makes me wonder and leads me to the question of today...... However when I picture closing myself back off, and remaining silent, and feeling inauthentic, the only way is to keep on......doing that would be intolerable now........and there are parts of my life I cannot fully share even now......or be as honest as I want to be, due to respecting some boundaries...or not yet due to circumstance, and due to attempting to have some discernment......but I get as close as I can........and in my transparency I seek to give others a voice too.....a place to be heard and seen.....I feel like the world is so full of people hiding in their pain and shame, and feeling as if they are alone....and they are the only ones....and we need to change that.....we need to give people a voice.....a place.....and I truly cannot imagine where I would be if I had taken my story in the aftermath and bottled it up.....kept quiet.....stifled my feelings, and my voice......I think it would have made me sick.....quite literally......so releasing the valve and committing to my story so hard was the only way......and now it will be published soon in that book.....and my hope is that it finds its way into the hands of the women that need it.....or the people that do.....sending it out into the world.....and so far that has been true.....I still get messages pretty regularly from people about the stories I tell.....and the posts I make, and the content I share.....and in addition to being fiercely committed to my own healing, that is why I persist......valuing truth and transparency over all else.....we cannot heal in silence.....we need others and community to heal......so back to my first statement....my musing about my transparency....there is no way back.....none......and if I could go back to the beginning and do it all again......I can truly say I would do it all the same way....being as open and honest and raw......and as real as I can be......every word has been worth it.....every one:)