So if you have been reading my blog for awhile.....or for some of you all along:) Gosh I appreciate all of you so so much! :) You have noticed I have used this platform to work through my own stuff and the complicated feelings, and situations that arise as I navigate this strange new world I am living in.....both outside and inside my specific circumstances... And the amount of healing I have found on these pages really cannot be quantified....cannot be measured.......and as you have been reading as of late, you may have noticed some heavier and more complicated stuff coming up for me.....some darker stuff visiting me and my space........and I always listen intently for where my blog wants to take me as it comes......I believe the reason it works, is my willingness to be totally transparent and committed to it no matter what.......it often comes in a flash, and is usually done being typed in under 10 minutes! I always marvel at that.....like it is ready to be born each and every time....but today I felt called to shift my focus.....and change my blog's direction slightly....the magnifying glass has been on him lately....and it has been well earned.....honest.....and true each and every word......as my perspective unfolds......but it occurred to me that my goal, in the long term, is for a totally new life, separate of him in nearly every single way.....and by putting life and energy into the old, and into him, I am not allowing a full space, or more importantly an energetic space for new things and adventures to step forward......make no mistake I could write endless blogs on all of this, the impacts, the feelings.....the shock and awe I feel on repeat......and it would be valid considering my experience, the length of my marriage, and how new this really still is.......and I know I won't be able to avoid that space entirely moving forward in my writing.....but I want to make a conscious effort to nudge this blog in a slightly different direction......focused much more on myself and my kids, as we continue to move forward in our life......I think it is a healthy switch and it is time......I knew I would know.....and I know......I fight so hard to stay in the light every day, and the darkness of what I leave behind threatens to draw me in, more than I would like lately.....so my shift needs to be more intentional.....more clear.....more direct.....if I am to accomplish all the new amazing things I plan on accomplishing and receiving:).....and if I don't make this move and leave some of it in the past for good.....I am not sure I will be able to accomplish all I want to......because I am drawing energy to it all....to the darkness of the last few years.....so I am making a conscious effort to draw energy away from it......while still honoring my journey to healing.....it will be a tricky balance, but one I think I am ready to balance.....to work through the feelings but only give energetic space to things that serve my present and my future......truth is I will carry this all of my days.....to some degree......I know that.....but in my day to day these days, I need to let go of more of it......I KNOW that......and I also need to have the ability to move forward without the conversation and apology I feel so deserving of......that I know too.....however to that end and in that space......there are a couple things I already know.....I know he did not mean to inflict this much pain and suffering on all of us......I know that......my soul knows that.......I also know there is a place in him that is horrified by his behavior.....I have seen it.........I know that he didn't think through what he did as much as he thought he did......and that what drove it was stuff that is deep in him and clearly beyond his control.......clearly......and that he has to live underneath the weight of it all everyday........... and will all of his days......I know that our marriage was real.......flawed and fabulous at certain points......I know we loved each other deeply......and what we shared was real......and I also know.....with all my heart that this entire situation had to play out this way.....in this space.......... to move us forward in our journeys, and learn the lessons we were meant to in this life......and that neither of us could have learned what we needed to standing in the shadow of one another......we needed to part ways to do that......so today I make the choice to separate myself further from him......from our past.....from our life together.....and get more mindful of moving into the space where I live mine......more fully.....louder......brighter.....more authentically.....ALL OF IT........it is time and I am ready......:)
jperuso
Comentários