I have never wanted to skydive.....like not even a little bit.....I do not like heights and the idea seems horrifying to me.....however lately I feel I am the closest I have ever been in my life to possibly being able to do it, if I had to.....I feel like so much of the last 11 months has been like skydiving.....just free fall......watching stuff fall away and just soaring in the wind trying to find the parachutes that ground me in the experience......the free fall has become more comfortable, easier somehow.....but I am not sure I will ever get used to the feeling.....the feeling that every inch of my life is wildly different than it has ever been.....full of variables and unknowns, part of which excites, the other part challenging me every single day......today is going to be a big one.....he is bringing her to pick up the kids today and taking them all out for a visit for the day......and then again tomorrow.....and that fact brings up so much in me.....none of it jealousy in terms of them and their relationship......that part is long over.....you couldn't pay me to be her and with him any longer.....if anything most days I feel I should thank her for her role in setting me free too.....so it isn't that.......it is all the other stuff I have endured at the hands of the both of them and their reaction to it.....as if they hit me with a train and then were angry at me for my injuries? Like who does that? Who has no compassion for the suffering of another human, suffering that they directly caused?...........it is absolutely foreign to me....but today the way I behave is for my children.....always for my children......she has insisted on being on Facetime since the moment he left, despite my feeling that it was not the right decision, but one I knew I had to let go so that the kids could talk to their dad.....so I did.....so in my children's minds they are excited to meet her in real life.....they don't know the story......the things she has chosen to do to their mother.....and I won't tell them.....won't act like she is anything but a terrific new person that they get to meet.....because I don't want them to be uncomfortable or nervous in any way.....and I know that they will take good care of my kids while they are with them.....at least that is what I am betting on.....so my personal feelings, once again don't get a voice......don't matter.....because my greater good is always them.......so today I need to swallow the bitter pill.....with a smile on my face......and attempt to do my best to just let it go......let go of the fact that they are taking them a bunch of places today in a Covid filled world and trust that my children will be protected, places I wouldn't choose to take them at this point.........I need to breathe and trust........let go of the fact that I had begged Nick for years to take off of work on the weekends and do stuff with us, and he resisted and now he spends a "family" day with my children and another woman.....let go of the fact that none of this is even remotely fair, on any planet, in any place in time......life isn't fair this I know.........let go of my feelings about both of them......not letting my kids see anything but encouragement and happiness for them.....last night Madeline said she was excited to meet her and I said "I am so happy for you Mads, I hope you have a great day"......because it was the right thing to do.....they didn't ask to be in this situation....just as I did not, and I am not going to make this any more difficult for them than it needs to be and if it requires me swallowing my stuff for them and figuring out another way to release it, I will do that every single time.....I have not said anything bad about her or their father to them in this entire 11 months.....not one......I have refrained in every way......and that restraint has paid off in their ability to be free to love us both and express that love freely without any feelings of guilt or confusion.....but damn if it is not so flipping DIFFICULT........like hard to describe difficult......good thing I can do hard things........so today marks a new chapter in this journey.....a new divorce milestone......and someday he will have to deal with all these things on my side too.....he just doesn't realize it yet......I will have a boyfriend or husband.....they will be around his children....we will be a family and he will stand in my shoes.....being the weekend warrior dad.....never to be full time dad again.......and maybe then his compassion will step forward......but for now he is only thinking of himself.....and not of me....the trend these days for sure......and that is OK......I am a big girl and can hold my own....and I will today in every single way......and one day in the future he will be reminded of this day....but on the other side.....and when that day comes, I hope he chooses the things I am choosing today....for our children......for the greater good.......that is my prayer.....that he is strong enough one day too
jperuso
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