During this journey I have had to gauge when an interaction is worth it or necessary, or whether silence is better.......and I use my responses sparingly.....because sometimes it isn't worth it or necessary........and I seek to keep the interactions as peaceful as I can for the good of us all, even though sometimes I feel like that can feel like an uphill battle....so in the last week of so there have been a few things that have been misconstrued and brought to my attention by way of my kids......and I am trying to figure out how to proceed......to attempt to bring clarification to their dad about his misconceptions....or to just let it ride because I am not hopeful it will be heard or understood.....and it is in those moments that this story is hard to live in.....realizing how complicated things are.....when they don't need to be. And unfortunately the space in which I am met is coming from a place that is skewed....a place of defensiveness, and unresolved guilt and shame, and so much more.... and all of it being transmuted into anger toward me....and placing me forever in the bad guy seat.....and that is a tough spot to "fight" and I have chosen not to fight it, and accept it, but sometimes it isn't easy.....and there are certain things I cannot solve between us as it relates to our children due to that light being cast on me endlessly......so I have decided to maybe let it ride, the stuff that has come up as of late, or if I need to express it, to do so to his girlfriend.....but it is really hard to express how challenging it is.....to not only lose my marriage, that is one thing...... but also to lose any access to the other parent.....my co parent person.....and not be able to freely communicate and take care of what is needed, or have open honest conversations, and being placed in a position to need to do it all in such a roundabout complicated way.....and one of the things that was misconstrued by their dad about me, Mads told me she tried to clarify and that is the part that bothered me.....I never want her to be in the middle.....feeling like she needs to defend me to him.....and it is why I keep very quiet about their dad and saying any feelings out loud, or judgements, or any of it.....just being peaceful and positive to them about it all so that they don't have the added strain of any of it....but when things get taken, and spun and twisted, on the other side at certain points there is bound to be some challenge.....and luckily it has not happened often that I am aware of......I also don't want to put my kids in the middle, because they told me about it......I am going to sit on this situation that recently came up for a little bit.... and see how I should proceed......giving it some room to breathe.......and deciding if it is worth the effort to bring clarity and truth to it all.....and work towards continuing to accept things as they are, resisting getting caught up in how it "should be," and hang onto my peace.....breathing deeply.......Amen......
jperuso
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