Telling my story on Friday night made me realize how healed I am.......it was maybe one of the first times it didn't make my voice shake.......or didn't evoke tears......even slight ones.......and in that awareness I feel good.....really good........but there are things that make me realize there is still pain there......still unresolved pain and learning how to live in the new spaces in my new life.......learning how to date, is one of those new spaces......my date yesterday was so fun, we had a great time....it was so easy to be around him......but it was still so strange for me to spend time with a different man......despite it being within my right to do so.....it was the first time I had done that.....and I know I am ready to try new things in my life and move forward.....and begin dating......but it will still take some adjustment I suppose......I didn't expect that......I think I have tried to explain previously and continue to try.... to explain how loyal of a human I am.....and how tied I was to my husband at one point......not ever imagining a break that could come between us......so I guess my hesitation in moving forward is to form attachments to others......and being cautious in the connections I make....keeping myself wise......and protected......until I know how I suppose........and the truth is as appealing as it is sometimes to think of doing life with someone......of merging our existence and making new dreams and accomplishing new things.......I really do still enjoy being single, finding comfort in my solo life..... and having my life be as I wish......and maybe that won't change for some time? It is so hard to say...... I also know that dating doesn't have to take away from that......I just know that a part of me feels protective of the space I have carved out in my life......my sacred space of peace.....and of fulfillment........so I straddle these places in my life.......I suppose it is like being in between......in between lands........like I am walking along a long bridge that connects my old life......to my new one......and I still have a ways to go in many ways.......and I need to extend grace to myself......patience........understanding.......I have come such a long way in a year.....last year this time the pain I was in was still taking my breath away.....so I cannot forget the progress......even if sometimes I get frustrated with not being further.......and as with all of my journey.....it requires me being brave and pushing myself each step of the way to learn and grow and try new things and be open to doing all of it......and it is so exciting to feel my life unfolding in a real way.......one that feels aligned with walking authentically in my life....and I know things will unfold the way they are supposed to each step of the way.....I really do trust that......so I suppose this next chapter is bringing up more things for me to take a look at......and heal from......and I am up for the challenge!
jperuso
Comentarios