It gives me a stomach ache to type that, like so much before.....but she asked again the other day, if her dad cheated, after connecting the dots on her own, and I can't keep holding her off.....I reached out to my therapist, and asked about having the conversation with him.....and he thanked me for wanting to include him, but felt that Mads and I could navigate it, and that our relationship is such that I could handle having the conversation with her.....and we are close enough, and I am equipped.....and I agree, but still feel really overwhelmed by it.....I am talking to him first thing this morning to get some advice, and figure out a game plan.....And there are a lot of things I am considering in thinking of sharing some of that truth with her......keeping it age appropriate, but honest.....she is only 7 and gosh how I wish she were older.......and how far into the truth we go.....that is a big question....because there are other things she doesn't understand, and expresses about the end of my marriage with her dad, that having this discussion will open up.....like why we argued so much at the end.....they both often say they wish daddy and I got along better....... and the arguing was a result of my knowing about his affair.....and living in that space.....and thinking it had ended, but still living in its shadow, and some of the big feelings and emotion that we swam through during that time.....just so much being a direct result of his affair.......and those are the things I will discuss with my therapist today....the level of truth we explore today.....how far in do we go.....and then how do I help her cope with carrying that truth???????......it will devastate her....I know that because of the love she holds for her father, and the judgement she has expressed to me about cheating....and whatever conclusions she arrives at will be her own.....I do not plan on villainizing him in this story......I truly don't.....because the truth is I believe we are all better off....the kids and I have found a much better, and healthier life on this side.....due to all that was going on internally inside of him, that no amount of marriage counseling was going to heal.......his own journey indeed.......so somehow I have to find a way to articulate all these complicated moving parts ,and heavy pieces to her, in a child friendly way, and not leave her with a heavy burden she cannot process......that is the part I want to speak to my therapist about......how to help her carry this knowledge....I am guessing it will trigger new grief.....grief of the shattered image she held of her father.....and maybe denial will set in following today....and she will want to run from it some....I have already seen her do that the last couple of years....knowing and feeling stuff, and trying to create a different truth.....so it will be complicated for her to feel so conflicted about her dad, that I know......and I know this may sound crazy.....but my heart hurts for him too.....he made all these decisions, and is fully responsible for his actions, all of them, and the time for him to own this truth with his children as arrived....but it still hurts me for him...I can't help that.......I see how much he loves our children, and that they are a bright spot to him when he sees them, and it hurts me to see his fall from grace become a longer one and a harder one.....I cannot help feeling that....empathy always finds me for him eventually, even in these places, and even though he doesn't return it to me......so nobody wins today.....no part of me feels any satisfaction that they will finally know.....none.....and I do need to include Gabe in the conversation, despite my not knowing how much he will understand....but he has sought the truth too....but in a different way......and there has been so many times in this journey where I have paid dearly for things I didn't do, actions I did not choose, and today will be an even bigger example of that......I don't feel ready, and not sure I ever will, but Mads is ready, and I have pushed it off for as long as I can.....so today we stand in our truth together, the three of us.....and keep working toward healing every single day.......
jperuso
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