Co parenting with somebody that doesn't speak to you is kinda tough......when we were married the one thing we agreed on nearly one hundred percent of the time was parenting, and what that would look like.......and now that is not true......and I forever walk the line between surrendering and accepting that how he chooses to father them is his choice.....and discussing challenges when they come up via text or through his girlfriend.....and it is the hardest line to walk......it requires so much of me.....and lately there are some things that have cropped up and I am still unsure how to proceed......using time and space to bring wisdom to my doorstep......waiting for the right thing to find me....the right way......and the truth is....and I have said it and maybe will forever......it is so mind blowing to see a person become so unrecognizable in front of your eyes.....somebody that you spent two decades of your life with and knew so deeply.....or thought you did......but lately I have been challenging that in myself......I am guessing I did not know him......I only knew what he allowed me to see.....but his inner workings or the depths of him must be unknown to me...........and maybe to him too....... and in my mind.....that must be true, in terms of logic.....and for the most part things are ok.....good enough.......and can sorta bounce along......but stuff comes up that is not Ok with me and not in line with what our deal was all those years ago when we became parents.....and the access to him in a real sense is closed off.....and if I think of it too much.....or let it get in too far there is a place in this part that can make me feel a little frantic.....because it pertains to my kids.....and because I am desperate for him to understand and honor our deal.....deciding all those years ago what kind of parents we were going to be.....and I want to protect all of that......and I know he loves them desperately too, always has....and I know that and feels the way I do still......and we did an amazing job, when we were together, even with our flaws and what happened between us..... and our kids are incredible kiddos today.....lots of outside feedback to support that:)......but I worry sometimes about the impact some of these things I am concerned about now will have......and I walk the line.......just walking the line..... deciding when to pipe up and down.....and the other piece is it makes me angry, but I guess more sad that I am in this position......the position to have to be in this spot.......I want to stand before him and speak my truth in an impassioned way that will make him hear me.....that will jolt him awake and make him understand.......and I know that that is futile......and so it makes me feel defeated sometimes......and so many other things......and after I travel through this part......I deeply breathe.....and KNOW......that my intuition and divine guidance has been leading me.....every step of this journey......and I can feel that more than ever......so I lean back into my faith and trust.....knowing that I will know at every turn what to do in this situation......and that is what I need to remain faithful about......so this weekend I am going to get quiet about it all....meditating on it, and praying on it, and feeling my way through it and finding the answers I seek......Amen.......
jperuso
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