I had a meeting at Gabe's school yesterday....I called the meeting because it has been a crazy year.....felt as if I was flying by the seat of my pants in every direction......trying to keep all the balls juggling and moving where they needed to be.....so I wanted to take my being off as an opportunity to sit down and discuss how he has been doing and where we are headed next year....when you have a special needs child.....one that is reaching graduation age that discussion becomes super complicated and emotional really quickly...........see the thing is I have no idea what Gabe's life as a "man" will look like......many different scenarios exist within that realm......and it will be dependent upon how the next few years go.....but there are also not a lot of living options for adults with special needs in our community.....yet.....adults that will need some supervised care long term......forever.......and as we began to discuss it I became super emotional.....because it hit me like a mack truck, his getting closer to graduation, the complications that lie within, and that I am alone in it......and that was never the plan.......never was I to carry that by myself......and now I will shoulder the lion's share for all of my life.......whatever it looks like......and I am never resentful.......and have never felt put upon to be Gabe's mom.....no matter the responsibility it comes with.......never.....he was a gift given to me from God.....no question.....I do however have moments when it touches me in a way that feels enormous....... like I am standing and holding a mountain above my head.......wondering how I will do that the rest of our days......and then it reminds me more of the man that will enter my life some day......and will he want to do that? All of HIS days? When Gabe is not his......will he be as patient as I am....will he understand??? and it all felt super overwhelming all at once......like being swept up inside a tidal wave......it was a huge undertaking when I had a partner in it all......but when that part went away......not fully but in a huge sense......it feels really heavy......but while I acknowledge the feelings that came........I know better than to get swept up into the future.....there is no point.....the only day we all have is the one we are living in.......so getting too far ahead in any direction is futile......but the stark reality of walking the journey we are on, is just that a stark reality.........and that the natural progression of a child growing and being the steward of their own lives, will never fully be his reality.....felt more real today than it ever has......and I had nowhere to go with it.......I just had to be in it......let it wash over me......let the reality of my sweet boy, soon to be a man's future swirl around me.......there are some great options we discussed, and some great things on the horizon for him......the fact remains......for me.....that I want him to have as rich and vibrant of a life as I can provide to him within any confines he may have as he ages.......I want to let him be as free as I can.....while still being vigilant in all parts of his life as I always have.....finding that balance in this situation is complicated at best......feels impossible in certain moments......so as for today I breathe.......I trust that his future will be blessed and bright......and that divine appointments will find me to help me navigate it all........leading me on the exact right path for him.....for me......for us.......every single day.....for all of our days.......amen.......
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