I have written about the bond I feel I share with my children before, and how the intensity of that bond has only grown through this experience......and both my kids have Taurus as a prominent spot in their charts....so having a Taurean mother is something that they understand and resonate with in their own right deeply.....:) They both truly GET ME......:) And when I had the cosmic energy confirmed for me, in terms of it looking as lovely as it feels on paper, it made my heart happy....:) Last night we had to run some errands, and Gabe had an appointment.....and Mads wanted me to play Disney Hits on the way home, and the three of us were singing a few of the songs on the way home, and it occurred to me that that is IT.....that moment.....is everything.....just everything......parenting and showing up and doing the things.....and hanging onto all of it.....taking the time to bask in it all....and I was.....Listening to them singing, and singing along with them, was just so profound all of the sudden....and it is in that spot though where my apprehension about ever meeting anybody shows up....and I recoil.....because sharing your life, and your children, with your spouse.....the person who brought them here with you....is different, than sharing them with an outside person.....a person that brings their own unique set of circumstances and life experiences....and it is work I will have to do....because my knee jerk reaction is to say nevermind, and protect the sacred space we have created, and just spend the next 10 years or so till Mads is nearly grown, and Gabe is fully settled, alone....and it is always this push and pull in me now.....between my own desires, and needs, and what is OK, alongside being loyal and true to them.....I have their backs....every day.....and forever will......however recently Mads has been open to the idea of my dating and expressing that.....which has made me feel better some....she was very closed off to all of it for so long....and I am glad I waited.....waited till we were all ready....but there still is a spot that feels that I should protect our trio fiercely forever;-) building a wall around the three of us......and I know it isn't rational..... necessary.....healthy....or any of it....and I always default to the trusting part of it.....knowing that the trajectory of it all is written in the stars....and in God's hands.....so there is no need to worry.....the right set of circumstances will find me, and bring what my children need too to continue their journey ....a situation that will serve them in the ways they need too.....and for now what the three of us share, with Disney blaring in the background is more than enough....just so much more than enough:) Happy Friday!
jperuso
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