I have written of this awareness more than once, but it came to me again yesterday.....being a mom to a child with special needs is heavy....it is heavy in terms of wanting to be around for them forever when they may never be fully independent.....but being a single mom.....feels equal to that......or maybe even more so......I checked into my colonoscopy yesterday....and my kids were asking me questions about the procedure.....and I explained it to them.....and when they heard I had to be under anesthesia Mads was worried about it....and what if I didn't come out of anesthesia......etc.....etc.....and while it was so sweet and touched my heart, their worry and concern for me.....and while I also trust our journey.....the three of us implicitly......it still gave me a pang of the heaviness.....of being THEIR person.....and their preferred person......and the magnitude of doing all I can to do and be just that:) It is what drives me in part to care for myself like I do.....knowing that there is so much in this life that is beyond our control.....but we do have some ways we can control the ride we take in this life, and exercising regularly, and being good to myself, and doing my check ups, is not only for me but for them in a big way.......staying ahead of whatever I can.....my breast biopsy last year was for them.....just to be extra sure.....and it is an intense feeling to know that you matter so much to the two people that you love the most in the world.....I mean all kids want and need their mother to live and be there, no matter their age or situation.....but special needs, single motherhood takes that notion to another level.....I had to sign a paper too stating that if anything went wrong they would do their best to save me.....or if I had a living will I could attach it.....and well I don't....and that part feels heavy too....due to the complicated nature of the relationship I have with their dad, making a will feels.....well....so heavy and impossible.....and I don't even know how that works.....would he have to approve of my wishes?? And what would my wishes be....... Just SO many questions.....so each time I consider it, it goes in the "for another day" pile......and I focus on taking good care of myself, and my health, and focusing on that.....which I think is an important thing for sure....and worth my effort and time.......but days like yesterday I am reminded of the huge weight I carry for my kids....and in wanting to be here for them for a good long time:) Praying that that IS THE plan:):):) Knowing how important I am to them....and becoming even more so in this chapter......so I am taking my own advice from yesterday's blog.....and leaning in hard......to that faith I spoke of, and that peace that passes all understanding and knowing that all the pieces will fall beautifully in place and trusting our journeys fully....and knowing I will know when it is time to take care of all that paperwork stuff and I will figure it out.....knowing that God's plan for our lives is perfect.....and that he has blessed our journey so much so far in our new lives and will continue to do so.....showing me and helping me make all the moves I need to to be who I need to be for them and myself:) I also am feeling grateful this morning, my test went great, and I don't have to go back for 5 years and it was all good, so I can feel relieved it is in the rearview mirror, and another action step I could take to be as healthy as I can be:) Because health is indeed wealth no matter your situation! Take good care of you and have a great day:) Adventure is calling to the three of us today! :)
jperuso
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