I have so many......that need to be said to him.......boy do I wish I could have him sit down and read my entire blog........from beginning till now........not sure that will ever happen, or that he would ever be brave enough to do that........but I have so many words that hang in the balance that need to find a voice and be given to him.......words that I have shared with so many others....such kind folks that listen to every single one.......but the words are not theirs to carry........not meant for them.......they did not do the acts that inspired those words......but are happy to help me clean up in the aftermath........I truly truly hope that one day I get to say them........all of them.........and that he is in a space to receive them..........I need him to hear what he has done.......the pain and suffering that he has caused for all of us.........to understand.........or to attempt to understand what it all meant.......what it still means as we make our way forward.........to understand that the choices he has made since he left were perhaps the most painful of all........and listen to what those actions have cost us..........but I am not sure he will ever give me audience to say the words I need to.........not sure there will ever be a space created in the universe for us to sit down with one another and put our marriage and life to rest.........like truly to rest.........to help it find its end.......which it did not find on that Thursday night...........that night only found the ending of him being in our lives.......physically................. but there was no real closure.........or words that you speak over a nearly 20 year relationship........just an exit of sorts..........in the beginning these words that I had to say to him seemed so important......seemed like if I never get the opportunity to say them there will be a part of me that will be unable to heal.......unable to move on fully............just unable......but now with some perspective and time under my belt I know that isn't true..........the words I need to say won't prevent me from doing what I need to do......from doing what I have needed to do........if I never get to say them to him.............now the desire to say them has become a quiet prayer.......a hope I carry in my heart if it is meant to be.........if I am able to one day purge all the feelings.......all the spaces...........to the person who created and caused them..........however knowing what I know now and experiencing what I have with him since he left.........the person that I need to receive these words is not there at the moment........the man that resides in that space is not strong enough or able enough to absorb all that needs to be said.........right now..........the effort and words would fall flat and be met with defensive and angry rhetoric.........no awareness and understanding.........I know that for sure......so I must be patient........I must be wise.........I must be realistic.......I must be quiet............I must understand that these words.......the ones I need to say...........need to wait for their time to be heard....on another day.........
jperuso
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